The Kiss

29 Jul

We stood on my front porch, facing each other in semi-darkness. It was the moment we’d both been dreading.
“I’m sure I’ll come visit you within the next two years. After all, I haven’t been to Malaysia yet, and Malaysia is right next to Singapore.”
I nodded, “I’m sure we’ll see each other.”

Now would be the time for our final hug. There was about a foot of space between us, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to close that gap. The whole night, I had been struggling, wanting to be close to him and yet keeping myself out of arms reach. And then in an instant, that distance was gone, we were embracing, clutching tightly to each other as if our lives depended on it.
“I was afraid, afraid that if I hugged you, I would never let go,” I whispered in his ear. I could feel his arms around the small of my back tighten in response.

We finally pulled apart slightly, but his hands were still on my waist and my hands around his neck. We were so close our noses were almost touching.
“There is something I wanted to say to you,” I started, in a half-whisper, “Something I shouldn’t say. But it’s now or never.” I took a pause to gather my courage, I could already feel the monologue I’d been rehearsing night after night for four years bubbling to the surface.
“I love you. I always have. I could convince myself to move on, I could take my mind off you for weeks at a time, but I’ve never been able to convince myself that you and I were not meant to be together. Deep down, I’ve always believed you were some sort of soul mate for me. I convinced myself to move on only because you were happy and I didn’t want to complicate things for you. But none of the relationships I’ve had in the last four years could come close to what we had. I wasn’t really moving on, I was just… waiting.”
I let my last word hang in the air between us before continuing.
“I never said anything because I didn’t want to make you choose. I didn’t want to know the answer. If you chose me, I would be the cause of breaking up your relationship. If you chose her,” I shuddered even at the thought, “I don’t know how I’d live with that.”

There was silence. We continued to stare at each other in the semi-darkness. Finally, his lips moved. “It’s always been you,” he said beneath his breath, so softly I couldn’t be sure of what I heard, so softly I wondered whether my ears were deceiving me.

And then he kissed me. Or I kissed him. Our lips came together in the most natural way, as if they were two pieces of a puzzle, meant to fit side-by-side. Our kisses became urgent, as if we were cheating time. Four years of suppressed emotion spilled out of me into that kiss. The moment felt like an eternity and a millisecond all at once. (more…)

Day 24: Beyond the blog

24 Jul

Part of 30 Days of Me.

I’ve been blogging for eight years, so you can imagine that I’ve gained and lost a lot of readers during that time. A few of my readers have been following me for up to six years, which is longer than I’ve known some of my closest friends. In addition to commenting on blogs, I have also gotten to know readers through email, chat messenger, snail mail, and occasionally, in person. Today I’m going to talk about one reader in particular with whom I have done all these things.

I stumbled upon PJ‘s blog in 2004 through the blog of her (real-life) friend, Tatiana. PJ was a very consistent commenter, and seemed to take a genuine interest in my life. After a year of following each other’s blogs, we became penpals. We wrote each other embarrassingly long letters every few weeks, and this lasted for several months. We even sent each other birthday presents by post.
At the time, PJ was studying in Vancouver, but in 2007, she transferred to Ontario for university to be closer to her boyfriend. So I took a bus to her university and finally met her. We spent the afternoon chatting and catching up with each other’s lives as if we’d known each other all along. Although she was not what I expected (I don’t really know what I expected), we got along extremely well and she remains one of the sweetest people I have ever known.
In 2008, she moved in with her boyfriend in UniversityTown, so we saw more of each other. We even had a baking party at her house, and that was when I met her boyfriend.
She had just gotten engaged when I first met her in 2007. I didn’t expect to be included in her wedding, but she ended up inviting me to her wedding shower, bachelorette party, and wedding. At her wedding shower, I also met Tatiana, the girl whose blog I had read in 2004.
In the summer of 2009, PJ had a small wedding of about 100 people in a country club on the outskirts of the City. I felt so honoured to be included in her special day and to be among the most important people in her life.

Looking back, it’s unbelievable how a few comments in 2004 sparked this friendship. Unlike my real-life friends, I am not worried about what my move to Singapore will do to this friendship; I know this friendship will withstand the test of time and distance because we have overcome that already. We did not become friends out of context or convenience. We made a commitment to each other when we were total strangers because we related to each other on a deeper level.

PJ is one of two bloggers I have met in real life. I also email/chat regularly with three people I met through my blog. Most of these relationships span over three years. Considering how important anonymity is for me as a blogger, this is quite a lot. Soon, I will be adding two more to the list, as I will be meeting The Girl is Goosed in Shanghai (and staying with her, in fact!) and hopefully meeting Nashe in Singapore.

These experiences, seeing someone make such a commitment to a total stranger, gives me faith in the human race. It also reaffirms my belief in the power of blogs. Blogging is not just for entertainment. When you share yourself truthfully with the world, the people who respond are ones who identify with you, regardless of background or context. And that can be a very powerful thing.

So I am very grateful to readers who comment, not just for the two-way communication, but because it leaves me in awe of the empathy and sympathy in this world.

Have you ever formed “real” friendships with readers of your blog or blogs that you read?

Day 23: A Youtube video

23 Jul

Part of 30 Days of Me.

This video sums up how I feel about all Apple products. To this day, I still have not gotten on the Apple bandwagon. I simply refuse to pay a premium for their brand when I can get products that are just as good (or even better) for less.

What’s one of your favourite YouTube videos?

Day 22: A website

23 Jul

Part of 30 Days of Me.

Tumblr sites don’t really count as true websites, but I can’t help but share this one: TravelThisWorld (hint: click on the archive to see a thumbnail of all photos!).

I’ve been following her (his?) Tumblr for a few months, since it’s clear that I’ve been bitten by the travel bug this summer. The photos are all stunning, and some of them are from exotic places I’d never heard of or thought of visiting.

What website has made an impression on you recently? Any favourite image or photography-based sites?

Roots

22 Jul

At 6pm on Tuesday, I rushed from CDR‘s downtown condo, where we had all been gathered for an Ikea-furniture-assembly party, to the poshest part of the City to meet friends from The Business School for dinner. As I exited the metro, I slipped off my ballerina flats for a pair of simple black pumps, and immediately, I was dressed for a semi-formal meal.

I arrived to find TM and BPB waiting for me at the bar. TM handed me a colourful striped box.
“What’s in it?” I asked him.
“Read the tag,” he said with a smile.
I flipped over the tag on the box. You drink, right? It read.
“Is this what I think it is? Is it a bottle of Gewurtzraminer?” TM had found out my favourite white was Gewurtzraminer during our Europe trip. I was pleased he remembered.
“I know you love it.”
“I do! Thank you!” I gave him a hug.

I hadn’t seen BPB in a long time, since he had been on exchange in Hong Kong all semester. I turned to him and gave him a hug too.

Moments later, the rest of the party streamed in, including Jasmine and Vin Diesel, carrying a huge bouquet of flowers. I had never received flowers from a non-boyfriend before. And the bouquet had white calla lilies, which looked so beautiful and elegant. Of my Europe trip-mates, Jack Sparrow was the only one who couldn’t make it, but he sent me a text: “You are one of my favourite Asians.” Coming from him, that meant a lot.

Dinner was quite pleasant, and although the Italian food was not as good as what we’d had in Italy, it certainly reminded me of it, and that was enough. After dinner, we went to a penthouse lounge nearby for some champagne and astonishing views of the City.

The entire night, I made sure to spend some time talking to each person, and the more I chatted, the more it dawned on me how strong my roots in the City really were. When I’d chatted with PHB a few weeks ago, he had told me to see Singapore as not only a new chapter in my life, but also an opportunity for a fresh start. When I heard that, I was reminded of how excited I used to be when I was a little girl every time I switched schools (which was quite often). Every time I went to a new school, I had the opportunity to re-invent myself. If I wasn’t very popular in my last school, no problem, this time I would make the right friends and start anew.
But it’s different now. I’m not looking for a fresh start. I like who I am here, and I like my friends here. I don’t feel frustrated or suffocated such that I need to get away, that wasn’t the reason I took this job. I took this job because it was a rare opportunity to challenge myself, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss what I have here, who I am in this City. For the first time in my life, I had established roots.

And here I am picking up my life and moving.

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