Flashback
12 Jul
I woke up this morning and two things suddenly occurred to me. One was that my ex-boyfriend may be under the impression that I have a boyfriend right now, and the second was that there was left-over chicken wings in the fridge.
You see, a couple weeks after the end of school, we had a “grade trip,” a five-day camping trip. Technically, only a third of the grade went on this trip, but it happens annually. Anyway, it came at the peak of my dangerously flirtatious friendship with HB. So the memory that jerked me awake was from the second night of the trip, when HB and I had gone for a walk while everyone else was at the campfire. During our walk we came upon MFL and The Other Girl. They had shined their flashlights on us, so for a while, I couldn’t tell it was them. I think HB and I were holding hands. Anyway, it ranked pretty high on the awkward scale, but at the time I was too alcohol-happy to care (I wasn’t drunk, I swear!).
So I guess it didn’t hit me until now what it must seem like to him, since we never talked about our love lives after that awful day…
I marched up to him in the hallway and spun him around. “I need to talk to you,” I demanded, then started marching ahead before he could reply. He followed me silently to the parking lot.
“Are you going out with The Other Girl?” I practically shouted as soon as we got outside.
“Oh god…” He muttered underneath his breath, then leaned back on the wall, maybe to brace himself for what he knew was coming. “Yes.”
Awkward silence.
“Look, I wanted to tell you, I did! You know I just got back from Saskatchewan. Actually, I was going to talk to you sometime today about it. But I just haven’t had a chance,” he pleaded.
“Well you have a chance now. Talk.” I was clearly not buying his bullshit.
“Ok… well… The Other Girl and I are going out.”
“Ok.”
Another awkward silence.
“Who told you?”
I didn’t respond.
“It was J, wasn’t it?”
“Why have you been keeping this from me? You two have been going out for, what, a week already? You think I wouldn’t find out? Hello, we’re in high school!”
“We weren’t trying to hide it from you, I swear!”
“Then why did I have to find out from someone else? You could’ve called me before you left, or from your hotel while you were away. And The Other Girl’s been here all along.”
“She wanted me to be the one to tell you. She wasn’t trying to hide this from you! And I… I wanted to tell you in person. But I haven’t really had a chance since I came back.”
Bullshit, I thought. Inside, I was screaming with frustration and anger, but on the outside, I was made of stone. Remember what J said. Beating him up will not help. Don’t hit him. Don’t. So instead, I just stood there, my body completely rigid.
“You lied to me,” I hissed, my voice shaking.
“Yes… I know. I just didn’t know how to tell you! It seemed too soon, and I thought you would take it badly…”
“Maybe, but did you really think lying to me was better?”
“I’m sorry.”
Silence.
“Ok. Whatever,” I finally muttered, and stalked away, my mind still running at 100 miles per hour.
Later, I had a talk with J and she told me that although she was proud that I didn’t beat him up like I’d been threatening to do, I had let him off the hook too easily. And it was true.
That night, he messaged me on MSN. I was kind of glad, it gave me an opportunity to say all the things I hadn’t during our confrontation.
[11:17:02 PM] MFL: the idea that you were to be kept in the dark is false. easter break is false. and i honestly did not have a chance to tell you in person, up until yesterday, which i guess is when i should have done it, but i don’t know why i didn’t.
[11:17:19 PM] Me: um, it took you all of what, one minute to tell me?
[11:17:26 PM] Me: i’m pretty sure you had that opportunity the day before you left
[11:18:07 PM] Me: if you really wanted me to find out from you instead of from somebody else, you could have called too
[11:18:20 PM] MFL: like i said. i wanted to do it in person. which i guess failed.
[11:18:55 PM] Me: i approached YOU. i don’t know why you’re still trying to make excuses for yourself. you very well could have done the same thing and just pulled me aside at any point
[11:21:36 PM] MFL: ok i know i should’ve told you sooner and i’m sorry that i lied before i left, but i just wasn’t sure how you would react. but you’re right..i don’t really have an excuse, so i’m sorry you had to find out this way
[11:21:47 PM] Me: great, thanks. that makes it a lot better.
[11:21:54 PM] Me: did you really mean it when you said you still wanted to be friends?
[11:22:02 PM] Me: because i don’t see how that would work if you can’t even tell me something like this
[11:22:15 PM] Me: i mean, i ASKED you if you had ANY feelings for her
[11:23:19 PM] Me: and despite what i thought i saw, you said no, so fine, whatever. then i find this out. from my point of view, you are definitely standing on lower moral ground, and i’m extremely, excruciatingly disappointed, because in my mind, you weren’t that kind of person
[11:24:22 PM] MFL: i only said what i said because i was afraid you’d react badly, since it seemed so soon afterwards
[11:25:05 PM] Me: see, if you had told me, i’d be hurt, but i’d have to be understanding, because you were being mature about it and you’d expect me to be mature about it.
[11:25:21 PM] Me: what you’ve done now is giving me a reason to be pissed off, along with being hurt, which couldn’t have been avoided anyway
[11:25:54 PM] Me: in any case, it seems that you don’t know me at all, and i don’t think i know either, so let’s just leave it at that
[11:25:58 PM] Me: have a nice life.
For a long time, I didn’t talk to him. In fact, he pretty much didn’t exist to me anymore. But after I found out he was going to the same university and same program as me in the fall, I decided we should be on somewhat decent terms so there aren’t any more super awkward social moments at university. That’s when I started talking to him again, and by the time we went on the grade trip, he’d recognized the fact that I had basically put it behind me. Now, we’re okay friends again. It’s hard not to be when you know someone so well. It’s either we’re not speaking or we’re friends. There’s no middle ground. How can there be when you know everything about the other person? Our conversations can’t be impersonal. But one thing we avoid is our love lives. I’ve only asked him about The Other Girl once, and he seemed very uncomfortable answering, even though I was laughing. I don’t think he even knows I went out with BBB for a week.
Do I still love him? Yes, platonically. I think I will always love him, but I could never fall in love with him again. What I mean to say is that, I will always love the man in my memories, and I will always care about the man in the present, but my heart is not his anymore. I have moved on.
Similarly, I think he will always care about me. I was his first love, after all. So, in that way, he will always belong to me, and I to him. Because what we shared was a raw, virgin love that can never be repeated with anyone else. Add that to the fact that we’d always been best friends to begin with, and you get a bond that is untouchable.
Now, about those chicken wings…
although i don’t think anything can really excuse him from his delay, but he obviously cared about your reaction. i’m glad that you put those events behind you because i suppose they’re not really important anymore. the good thing is the both of you have moved on but are able to preserve a friendship.
heh, and i’m curious who “retarded boy” is? is it really as simple as the name, or… haha, it was just amusing, thanks for the story. :) hope the chicken wings had a happy ending.
(on a sidenote, i didn’t manage to set up new smilies yesterday :/ close your eyes if you ever stumble across my site, haha. it might make for a hard time, but you won’t go blind — sooner or later, i think i’ll just delete the idea of smilies completely, i never did have a liking towards using them)
I guess I don’t understand why it was so important that he tell you he was dating someone. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel relationships are very personal, and if he wasn’t ready to tell you, he just wasn’t ready to tell you. I think he lied to you because he was protecting your feelings and trying not to rub it in your face. I can’t blame him for that. But it’s a good thing that you guys finally moved on and still remain friends – that’s mature and forgiving of both of you.
The big scandal was basically that we had just broken up and they were already together. Basically that he liked her while he was still with me, and he lied to me when I asked him about it, and then a few days after we broke up, they were already together, and he kept it from me. Well, I guess it’s unfair to say that he kept it from me, but… it was something along those lines.
The other thing being, we had never lied to each other. That had always been our golden rule. That’s why I took his word for it when he said there was nothing going on between them, even though I saw what I saw. When I’d realized he’d lied to me for the first time, well, of course I’d be disappointed and angry.
And we were supposed to be best friends, and it would not make sense to keep such a thing a secret from your best friend. When I was asked out by someone who my best friend liked, I immediately went to her to see if she would be okay with it. Friendship, at least that kind, is more important than a passing fancy, you know what I mean? And though he had good intentions, he made the wrong choice in trying to preserve our friendship, and I suppose my reaction was to punish him for it. But now we’re past it, so all’s good and well.
I would have been pretty pissed off, too, so I understand your reaction. I feel like in relationships you really have to trust each other to tell the truth and to not get mad when one asks the other an uncomfortable question. I would much rather find out from my boyfriend that he was doing something than from someone else. If there is no trust, there was no relationship from the beginning.
As for loving your ex platonically, I think that is a very good thing. So many people don’t get the experience of having a good “first true love” type of thing, so consider yourself lucky. At least, that’s what my mom says. It’s just… I dunno. It’s very good that you two still care about each other. That’s the way things should be between people who were once in love. I can’t remember who the author was or what book it was, but it said that the fire of love doesn’t last forever, and in order to survive happily with each other, there must be a firm foundation of friendship. I think I agree with that statement. Perhaps that’s why so many people get divorced. Once the blindness of love clears away, you kinda sit there and realize you don’t really like anything about the person in front of you.
Hmm… I ramble too much. Sorry.
No, no, not at all! I love reading your comments. They’re always so insightful :)
I completely agree with you on the relationships thing. It was my rule, my unbreakable rule, to always be honest with each other. That is probably the most important thing to me, and the fact that he broke it, the fact that the one person I thought I could bet my life on had let me down… well, it was shattering.
But I suppose it’s my fault for being too trustworthy. He is a 17 year-old boy after all. Nonetheless, I don’t really want to become one of those cynical people who can’t trust anyone but themselves.
If everyone did that, I’d have given up on the human race by now, but I can’t. I believe we’re better than that.
“That’s the way things should be between people who were once in love.” Oh, how true that is. That is the way things should be, shouldn’t it?
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I understand all the Loving him, even though you’re angry with him and such. (Sounds like I don’t.. Hmm- no, I do.) It’s funny how you can be completely infatuated with somebody, then you split up and have an argument and you completely hate them too and you’re so angry.
Goes to prove love’s not only blind but deaf.
I know exactly what you mean by no middle ground when it comes to talking to someone who knows everything about you and you know everything about them… that’s how it is with my exes and I. So, we just don’t speak. It’s not that hard seeing as I didn’t attend high school with any of them, and I won’t worry about ever having to see any of them again due to moving to university this fall… but anyway, it’s still difficult to not be on speaking terms.
Going on… at least you have gotten past the confrontation and seem to be on steady ground with him. That’s lucky, because not many people are fortunate to be able to say they still talk to their exes. :-)
Love can be such a messy, complicated thing. I remember the break-up I had with my ex-fiance… who was my first love and the only one I had ever been with for six or so years. It was probably the most difficult, heart-wrenching thing I had ever done.
Yummm. Chicken wings.
Oh wow, that’s tough. I’m not surprised that it would be extremely heart-wrenching.
I’ve known MFL for all of high school (4 years) and we’d been dating for over 2 years. But at least we weren’t engaged. =/
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yup, they were actually drawn myself with PS. i guess they could be call “tricks?” if you ever want to make something like them, i’d be happy to explain, they don’t take long.
Wow, that sounds like a tough thing to go through. But I’m glad you’ve moved passed it and are able to be friends once again.
And mmm… chicken wings…
PS- I would really love to exchange links.
Hi,
I got to say, it was really cowardly of MFL to leave off telling you about The Other Girl until you heard it from someone else. But I think its awesome that you were able to forgive him for that to try and make things better and less awkward for you both in the future.
I doubt I would ever be that mature, haha I would have just thought, “poopoo” things are going to be so weird when I see him.
When you say “So, in that way, he will always belong to me, and I to him”, I find that statement to be very insightful and true. In some ways I almost feel like saying “I understand” experience wise, but since I have never been through the excitement of first love, I guess I can only say that I believe that to be true.
Sorry if I sound all weird-like, its late and the words “chicken wings” keep popping up in my thoughts. Lmao.
I think you have a right to be angry at him. He should have told you he was seeing someone else. Its not nice for someone else to tell you. On the other hand, i can see why he didnt say anything. He obviously cares about your feelings – either that or hes a coward and was afraid of your wrath *mwwhahha* :D Glad to hear that you got everything sorted out though :)
Only 8 days until your birthday now! If im honest, im not all that excited about mine. I keep thinking “22! Great! Another year older!”, LOL! Hope you have a good one :D