I Should’ve Been Born a Boy
13 Jul
Being from an old-school mainland Chinese family, I am the first generation that has even heard of the need for women to shave. So, when the time came for me to join the millions of North American girls that were desperately trying to rid themselves of every hair on their chinny chin chin (and the rest of their body), I only had one weapon to battle the oncoming fur: my dad’s electric razor. Sure it would eventually make my leg hair as hard as the stubble on my dad’s chin, but I wasn’t really concerned with details like that at the time. All I knew was that it was a painless solution to a procedure I knew very little about.
Shaving with a blade mounted on a plastic handle sounded horrific, but less horrific than the idea of lathering hot wax onto my skin and then ripping it off.
Regardless of the method, it was inevitable that I would come to hate being a girl, shaving, and every single hair on my body (minus my head).
So, tonight, I was trying to de-fur myself with hair removal cream. I was trying two different products, because I had been so flustered in the drugstore, unable to decide what was the most suitable product for me, that I ended up buying two.
Anyway, so Left Leg was subjected to Veer’s “3-Minute Rapid Hair Removal Cream,” and Right Leg was subjected to Nair’s “something something Regular Hair Removal Cream.”
Ready, set, de-fur!
The moment I set out to lather my Right Leg in what was supposed to be a “thick, even layer,” I knew I was in trouble. How do you squeeze a lotion onto your finger and expect to lather it around a circular cylindrical shape, such as a leg, into a thick, even layer? Think about this for a minute.
The cream, as can be assumed, sticks to each other. Every time I put my finger down with more cream to add to the layer, it would stick in strange clumps. Moreover, my finger isn’t exactly flat, so every time I run it down from the top of my knee to the bottom of my leg, the smoothing process would be curved – slightly thinner in the middle, slightly thicker on the sides. And another thing. Sure, I could get the front part of my leg done without too much trouble if I propped my leg up on the edge of the bathtub, but how to do the back of the leg? I am not exactly a gymnast, and I can’t even see back there properly, much less twist my hand around so that my finger is flat against the back of my leg without the blob of cream on my finger dripping.
It was an impossible maneuver.
I sat for a few minutes on the toilet, stark naked, with one leg half-covered in cream, propped up on the bathtub edge, contemplating this. I examined what I’d accomplished so far, a mess of white cream slathered messily onto my leg, most of it ending up in other places like the bathtub ledge, the floor, and all over my fingers, hand, arm, elbow, and some even on my face. After a few more failed attempts to add some more cream to the back of my leg, and to smooth out what was already there, I finally gave up, and started on the other leg.
The other leg was even worse, as I realized that the Veer “cream” is much more like a lotion, and much more watery than the Nair cream. It kept dripping everywhere! After doing only half of my leg, I realized I was doomed to fail. This was just too difficult.
You know, you’d think that a girl that goes to one of the nerdiest schools in the city and still graduated with a 90-something could figure out how to use a hair removal cream, but apparently not. And for another thing, why are these made so poorly? The entire process is so primitive! Open cap, squeeze onto finger, then lather evenly! Deceptively simple, but really quite impossible. I felt like I was visiting a website made entirely out of tables and text-links, with NO CSS. Oh, the horror.
Anyway, eventually I got in the shower and washed it all off. It’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. I am somewhat de-furred, although there are patches I didn’t lather on evenly, and some I missed altogether. Oh well. Back to the ol’ electric razor we go.
But honestly, this whole shaving thing is like something made to torture women. Why is it socially acceptable for men not to shave? They’re much hairier. This is like feet-binding all over again, and we all know that that was an awful procedure. I think when I can afford it, I’ll always go to a salon to get my legs waxed.
But it’d be a lot better to not be a woman.
I think I inherited my fur from my dad anyway, or at least someone’s male genes. Because my mom doesn’t have a single strand of hair on her legs and she doesn’t shave at all! It’s not fair.
This is why I have always said that I should’ve been born a boy.
I even smell like a man! (My mom once noticed that I have a distinct body odour that reminded her of my grandpa and uncles – an odour that neither she nor my grandma has – and she said that I smelled like “the men in the family”). I don’t think my anti-perspirant works. After all, it is made for a woman. Maybe I should start buying male anti-perspirant.
I have all the attributes of a male, and yet I’m female! What if I’m not even a fertile female? What if my female-ness is actually just a shell, and inside, nothing works because I’m actually male??
Oh God! I’m basically a mutant!
okay, that was definitely not relavant to RSS feeds! but thanks very much for sharing, i’m very sorry to hear about that… my regards to your father’s razor.
yeah, waxing might not be the best choice either, basic shaving cream and razor will do. :)
a mutant…? that explains a lot, actually.
(so, i came to your website excited to flaunt what i’ve got for you, but then you delayed me from my flaunting with another post! drats. it seems you have won again.
http://grabaduck.com/gift_summer01.JPG)
SPAMSPAMSPAM.
haha, i’m such a child. :) anyway, i was actually looking at the image, when i realized i can’t even sound sensible in the little twenty words there. sorry for the lack of intelligence, i guess my ability to speak correct english is non-existent here.
ahahh. that was pretty entertaining. I remember my mom telling me not to shave, warning me that hair grew back faster and thicker. after that, i never touched the shaver again and i was saved, i have to confess. everyone has a bit of hair, it’s only natural. but i agree it does come from genes. never used cream or anything ;D
Thanks for the comment, I remeber when I first shaved I cut my leg :( lol
I wax all the way! :P Yes, it’s expensive and there’s a period of hair-raising hairiness, but it feels tidier for me.
Gah, I inherited the hairy side of the family too. Who did establish that women body hair is the bane of beauty? It’s so annoying. T_T
Let’s be men together.
Hm. Sounds to me like you are meant to be a male. Haha… just kidding. That shit is hard, and lives for women are so much harder than for men. It’s crazy… and I hate having to shave my legs… but I can’t stand the hairy feeling =\ haha. I’ve tried using Nair… I agree with you!
ehh, i tried WP for awhile. ’twas all right, but certainly not the same as GM. it was definitely more advanced, but not as customizable as i would’ve liked. siigh.
glad i’m not being striked from, muchos gracias. :D
I wouldn’t be waxing. Wax hurts. I’ll stick to hair conditioner (so much better than shaving gel) and my razor. That is, until I can afford the laser hair removal. That’s what I can’t wait for :D
I’m kinda hairy, but it’s blonde, so you can’t really see it. But hairiness still squicks me out.
If you really don’t like removing hair… then why do it? I’m pretty hairy, but a while ago, after shaving for a few years, I figured it just wasn’t my thing. I wish more people would do that; I’d feel less awkward being so hairy. What’s wrong with hair anyway?