Less Frisky?

I want to say something exciting today, but I don’t really know what to talk about. Or maybe there are too many scattered pieces to my life that I’m not inclined to piece together. I think I’ve resigned to going along with the current of my life and letting time take its course, without all of that internal analysis and turmoil. This is probably why my blog entries have taken a noticeable shift from meaningful reflections to photos. I suppose that’s an interesting parallel to my new attitude: instead of describing everything with words that never seem to fit, let the photos speak for themselves and I’ll just sit back and relax.

RLBB is ignoring me (and pretending not to) — it’s ok dude, I get the message. We made out one night, I refused to go back to his place afterwards, end of story right? I should be used to this by now.

For a while, I was playing tug-of-war with myself over whether I should change my lifestyle or not. After the incidence with RLBB, I realized that I’m actually much more naive than I believed myself to be. Even though I’ve told myself countless times that when I meet a guy on a night of debauchery, I should never expect a call afterwards, but when I do meet someone half-decent, I still hope. It’s not logical, it’s not realistic, and yet I can’t help feeling the tinge of disappointment when I don’t get the call that I shouldn’t have been waiting for. Obviously, if it was me, I wouldn’t go for a girl who I hooked up with at a club/bar. I try to reason with myself, but I can’t deny it when my pride cringes just a little. Then I’ll shake it off, tell myself to stop being silly, and try to face another night out with the same supposed jadedness that I don’t really have.

For days, I seriously questioned my current lifestyle. Sure, I have a lot of fun, but my one-night flings are no doubt hurting my reputation (with the kind of guys I normally go for) and eventually going to hurt me when I do look for a real relationship. Nonetheless, I am not a stay-at-home kind of girl, and changing myself for the sake of “reputation” would completely go against my values of being myself. As one of my friends said, I’m not wild, I’m just fun and I follow my impulses. But I have a very strong moral base at the same time, which is what sets me apart from many of the other girls that these guys may be grouping me with.
In the end, I decided not to totally change my lifestyle, but just tone it down. And maybe not make out with randoms. Maybe.

GB wanted to see me this weekend, but I made excuses not to see him. I don’t know, I’m really bad at accepting guys who I’m unsure about, and I always feel guilty if I do anything that might lead them on. I just don’t want him to think we’re in a relationship, because to me, we’re not. What to do?