Witty and Wise

I’ve spent the last 4 hours of my morning reading old entries instead of studying for mid-terms. But it was worth it. The following are some examples of my most enlightened moments:

It’s like when you first cut off your arm, you’re like “HOLY HONEYTREES, I DON’T HAVE MY ARM ANYMORE!” And then you slowly get used to it.

Maybe “marriage” is just a euphemism for successfully tying down a sugar daddy.

Lately, I’ve noticed that my knuckles on my right hand are a frightfully bloody sight. And no, it’s not because I punch the wall every time the temperature dips below freezing.

When will they accept the fact that a woman’s urinary complex is not designed to be able to aim?!

Is there toilet water getting on your ass? No? Well, then, what’s the big deal?

Why are these things called blogs anyway? They should be called “the pathetic highlights of my life.”

5:11pm
That’s it. I’ve done it. I’m going to turn off the wireless receiver. NO MORE INTERNET FOR ME!
5:37pm
Nevermind. Internet = life.
Argh, stupid thoughts of food broke my roll. Now the only roll I can think of are sushi rolls. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

In my mind, a commercial was playing with the dorky high school kid running after the bus each morning and all the kids inside are inwardly laughing at this sad little fellow because the bus driver is a nasty old man who hasn’t had sex in a century and therefore won’t stop to let the poor kid on.

Even my mom is on a diet (and sparing me no details about it), and she’s the cute (but plump) little Asian woman who urges my dad to cook enough food to feed the entire Chinese army. […] Until this year, I’ve never gone near any semblance of a diet, and now that I have, it seems like everyone else was in on this secret society all along, while I’ve maintained a stead fast loyalty to Colonel Sanders and his chicken.

“Back in my day, we had to click 20 times before we found a site with an RSS feed! *wheeze* Betty honey, be a sweetheart and pass me my false teeth. That’s it dear.”

“I’ve been wearing diapers all my life because they make it easy to shit in my pants and not worry about it.”