Mutual Booty-Texting

When I told The Sisterhood about my dinner-turned-sleepover extravaganza with MFL, I was hit with a chorus of “I so saw this coming!” We were at our second-favourite coffee house on a Tuesday night, gathered around a coffee table that was too small for our over-sized coffee mugs.
“We totally saw this coming. We talked about it all the time,” FF said, after I told them about the night. I was suddenly reminded of the scene in Friends right before Ross got married when Rachel and Phoebe were sitting at home and Phoebe said the exact same thing to Rachel after she realized she still loved Ross.
“Well, if you saw this coming, why didn’t you say anything?” I stared at them incredulously, surprised by their reaction.
ALS stopped mid-sip to answer me. “We did! We told you you were in love with him!”
“What? When?” I practically screeched.
“Tons of times!” ALS and FF both yelled back.
“What? No!” I couldn’t recall a single time when they’d said to me, “SG, you’re in love with MFL.” But then again, my memory could be rather selective at times.
“Anyway, it was so obvious that you were still in love with him and he was still in love with you. I mean, you went through a bunch of guys that were completely wrong for you, I don’t think you really liked any of them, and you haven’t had a proper relationship at all.”
She was right. The longest time I “dated” a guy was for a month, but come to think of it, I couldn’t even remember his name. “But, MFL‘s had tons of girlfriends since we–”
“Maybe he just deals with it differently from you. But I mean, why else would his ex hate you so much? She must have known,” ALS said.
“Are you sure you want to get back together with MFL though? Are you sure you’re not just lonely?” FF asked me cautiously.
“I don’t think so. I mean, two years ago, maybe it could have just been loneliness, but it’s been three years. Besides, I’m not one of those girls that needs to have a guy. If I was, I would’ve clung on to someone a long time ago. It has to mean something if I’m still holding on to a guy from three years ago.”
FF wasn’t convinced. “Maybe you just haven’t found the right guy. I mean, when my boyfriend and I broke up, I realized that there weren’t any good catches out there, and then we got back together.”
“No, that’s different. That was only a month, of course it makes sense that you didn’t find anyone else interesting in a month. It’s been three years for her.” ALS said in my defense. She was surprisingly supportive of this MFL thing considering she didn’t like him.
“It’s true. I think this is the real thing. I mean, I was the one who broke up the relationship. Back then, I wasn’t ready for that commitment. But now, when I picture myself in the future, I see myself with him. I can actually see myself marrying him and spending the rest of my life with him. It’s so weird. I was never able to do that when we were together – picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. And now I can.” Despite how close we were, it was still embarrassing to say this stuff out loud. It was too mushy for me. ALS and FF nodded in silence. We digressed into discussions about marriage, which apparently freaked FF out every time she thought about it. I could understand, I used to feel exactly the same way. I don’t know what happened to make me do a completely 180.

“I don’t know if I really want to pursue this though,” I said, “I mean, he still has a girlfriend. And, I don’t know what’s going to happen after this. What should I do now?”
“Talk to him!” They both shouted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Tell him exactly what you’ve just told us!”
Before we left, FF turned to me and said, “I am actually really happy for you, that you’ve finally realized who your soulmate is. I’m so excited for you two!”

But I couldn’t talk to him. Even though I texted him right away asking when we could hang out, I was reluctant to meet him. The next few days, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I should say to him. By now, we were texting back and forth almost every day. And although that might be a sign that he missed me, I couldn’t forget the fact that he had said he was happy in his current relationship. On Friday night, I ended up going to a horrendously boring party, and I got a little more intoxicated than planned (I blame the boringness). We went to a club after, but I couldn’t concentrate on dancing. Let’s be blunt: I was drunk and a little horny. But I could do nothing to release my sexual energy because I was not interested in any of the guys in my party. So, I texted MFL: “I want to see you!”¹
Luckily, he was not free to meet with me that night. I am certain that if he did, I would have confessed something that I may or may not be ready to confess. He was going to be away for the weekend.

Over the weekend, I went to a marketplace with ALS and FF and updated them on the MFL situation over brunch. The marketplace was a great place to be on a weekend morning, as it was filled with colourful vendors and specialty stores.





I had remembered PJ mentioning to me that there was a specialty tea shop on the second floor, so we went and found it. I bought a bag of “English Caramel” tea, which smelled so good.

On Monday morning, MFL texted me bright and early to ask me if I had time to hang out with him that day. I was surprised. Did he want to see me that much? Or was it because I had booty-texted him on Friday night and he thought I had something to say to him? It didn’t seem likely that he was that intuitive; guys are usually pretty slow. And since we had no real reason to meet up, it would be obvious that we’re both going out of our way to see each other. Later that day, I called him, and after an hour-long conversation, we decided to meet for coffee downtown.
We talked for no less than three hours at the coffee bar, about everything from our own problems to our friends’ problems. There was no tension, we were just two good friends catching up. But shouldn’t there have been? I mean, we had gone out of our way to see each other; the last time we’d seen each other he had ended up staying over at my place, and we’ve been texting each other daily ever since! He couldn’t be so slow as to not notice the flurry of activity between us, considering we used to see each other once a semester.
Even against the mounting evidence, I was doubtful that he might still be in love with me. The fact that he had taken the initiative to see me shows he’s still into me on some level, I’ll concede that much. But the night he’d stayed over, he had actually said at one point, “You should go out with AHB².” I mean, if he was considering getting back together with me, he would never say that!

Tuesday was St. Patrick’s Day, the official drinking holiday that my university takes very seriously. I have never understood, or celebrated, this day, so to me it was just another day. After class, I went to BI‘s house to help her bake for a bakesale³. ALS and FF forced me to meet up with them after because they’d heard that I had gone out with MFL and wanted a debrief.
On my way over to ALS‘s, MFL texted me to tell me he was drunk from certain St. Patrick’s Day festivities. He said he wanted to meet up with me. This was clearly a booty-text. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I ignored it. On the one hand, he might tell me how he actually feels when he’s drunk, and based on the fact that he booty-texted me alone led me to believe the confession would be in my favour. On the other hand, I felt like I would be taking advantage of his intoxicated state somehow, to artificially accelerate this process between us. Sure, our relationship had now reached the height of ambiguity and obviously, this left me with a lot of anxiety. But maybe that’s part of paying our dues. Maybe my anxiety is cosmic payment for me getting in the way of his current relationship.

Either way, I ignored his text and spent the next few hours chatting with my girlfriends. It was relaxing. I had brought the special tea I’d bought at the marketplace, as well as some extra cookies, and FF had brought our favourite wines. Near the end of the night, I finally texted MFL back, but he never responded. Suddenly, I pictured an alarming scenario in my head. Since I ignored the booty-text, what if he had found someone else upon which to release his sexual energy? And of course, there could only be one other person: his girlfriend. It bothered me so much that when I got home, I couldn’t sleep for an hour, and I kept my cellphone within arm’s reach the whole time.

The next day, I called him to see how he was doing, and he told me that he had gone home and turned off his cellphone. I didn’t buy it. Even if he had gone home, why would he turn off his cellphone? It seemed more likely he went to his girlfriend’s and turned off his cellphone. But either way, I had no right to be miffed. If he was with his girlfriend, that’s none of my business. Plus, I had consciously decided to ignore his text.

By now, I’ve realized that I don’t really want to tell him just yet. Even if I do believe we are meant to be together, the timing is just not right. And once I blurt it out, there’s no going back. If it’s not a mutual feeling, we would not be able to continue being friends. And if it is a mutual feeling, he’d have to act on it (i.e. break up with his girlfriend) and we’d be together for good. There isn’t really room for doubt here. I mean, if we got back together, and I realized I was wrong, I would be a huge bitch to break up with him. And again, we would not be able to continue our friendship after that.
So I am going to bide my time. After all, I’ve already said I’m not one of those girls that need a guy. I can wait.

1. I have now dubbed this the “booty-text”: a booty-call via text messaging. [↩]
2. AHB is his best friend from high school, whom we still see occasionally when we’re all back in The City. I last mentioned him in my entry about Boston. [↩]
3. PJ: We used your cookie recipe and MAN OH MAN are they delicious. The cookies that that recipe makes are magical. Thank you!!! [↩]