The Theory of Flirting

If you’ve been following me on twitter you will know that I spent all of Monday with HB. I wish I could say that I maintained a strict friends-only policy around him, but, well, you can decide for yourself.

To foreshadow this story, this was my horoscope for the day (I read it in the local newspaper as I was heading downtown to meet him):

You need to put behind you the fears that have been making your life less than enjoyable.

I arrived at his apartment just after noon, and I played video games while he washed the dishes. If you’re surprised by this role-reversal, don’t be. It’s a running theme in my life.

We went grocery shopping to get some ingredients for strawberry shortcake (most importantly, strawberries). On the way home, we stopped at an LCBO and bought a bottle of Alize. I don’t like pre-mixed fruity liquors and would have preferred, you know, straight up vodka or whiskey or something, but he was buying so I did not argue. Again, role reversal. What kind of 20-year-old Asian girl drinks whiskey neat? And what kind of 20-year-old boy buys Alize? Seriously?

When we got home, he insisted I try the cheesecake he had made a few days ago. He cut me a huge slice and I ate it without reminding him that I was lactose intolerant¹. If he wanted to play chef and make me the taste tester/food critic, I had no problems with that. In fact, I could really get used to it.

Then we got started baking our cake.

We weren’t the most serious bakers in the world, so we improvised at times, even though I know you’re not supposed to improvise in baking. We were not worried about it.
We had an afternoon of good, wholesome fun. For those three or four hours, I forgot about my angry, menopausal mother and her absolute craziness at home. My mind was on vacation, and I only thought of the task at hand. Well, okay, that and also how close he was standing to me. If you need a mental image of our afternoon baking experience, click here. I never knew how intimate baking could be. At one point, we were kneading the dough together in a shared bowl, our hands and arms brushing past each other. I felt his breath against my ear as he leaned over my shoulder to see what I was doing. I got butter on his cheek and he pretended to be angry and asked me to lick it off. I fed him some strawberries as I chopped. He licked whipped cream off my finger.
…
I mean, when you’re licking whipped cream off each other, I think you’re really toeing the line of Friend Zone.

While we waited for our cake to bake, we “played video games.” In other words, we tried to play video games but ended up playing tickling games on the couch (he initiated it, I swear). He also tried to get me drunk, but I wasn’t having any of that.

After we baked our cake and ate it too, we left his apartment to walk around The City. I let him lead me around, because (we decided that) if I was any more manly, I’d grow a penis. At first, we were walking around with my arm looped around his, and then I craftily mentioned that my hand was cold, so we began to hold hands. Although I hadn’t asked whether he still had a girlfriend, I was almost convinced he did. And us walking around hand-in-hand (or even arm-in-arm for that matter) around their neighbourhood was probably not a good idea. Why wasn’t he bothered?

WAF‘s theory:
Maybe on some psychological level, he doesn’t feel guilty because you initiated the hand-holding.
Ok fine, so I’m weak and not the type of girl to wait around for a guy to take my hand. So I go after things, and I’m going after him even though I shouldn’t. But I’m only going after him because I know he’s into me too. I mean, if he’s into me even though he has a girlfriend, that probably means there’s something wrong with their relationship, right? It’s not because of me, is it?

BBB‘s theory:
You want this though, don’t you? This non-committal, fun-only relationship. You guys have been flirting like this for years, so he figures he might as well go for the opportunity. Plus, you don’t even know his girlfriend. Whatever is going on between him and his girl is his problem, not yours.
I guess he’s right. Neither of us want to commit to each other. HB certainly doesn’t want to, otherwise he would have gone after me a long time ago. And I don’t want to, because I realized that even if he broke up with his girlfriend, I would not step up to claim him for my own. What I do enjoy is what we have, simple, uncomplicated flirting. We hold hands, we mess up each other’s hair, we play-fight on the couch. We will not be having any sex, will not be declaring any status on Facebook, and will not miss each other when it’s over. So even though this flirting doesn’t seem harmless with respect to his girlfriend potentially throwing the hissy fit of the century, it is harmless as far as progress between the two of us.

OBF‘s theory:
The real question is, are you okay being This Girl? The girl whose hand he holds when his girlfriend’s not around, with whom he acts so intimate when you two are alone? Because if you’re not, you could just say “No.”
Despite OBF‘s disapproving tone, it’s true. All of this happens only because I let it happen, and I try to shift responsibility off myself by telling myself things like, “If he is flirting with me like this while he has a girlfriend, there is something wrong with their relationship.” While that could still be true, I could easily prevent all this ridiculousness by keeping a safe distance. But as I said to OBF, it would be a lot easier for me to avoid him if I had other prospects on the horizon. On the other hand, I only let this happen when I have no other prospects on the horizon, so maybe that explains it.

Any other theories?

1. I didn’t have Lactaid pills, but I had bought a yogurt when we were at the grocery store, so I was going to be fine. [↩]