I love him, I love him not.
14 Jul
Do you remember my tweets about hating Post-It notes?
This changed my mind.
And instead of associating it with the hateful Post-It notes I write every day at work, I was reminded of the Post-It notes MFL used to leave in my locker, when he wanted to cheer me up but had to leave school before me. Another haunting to add to the “ghost sightings” list, I suppose.
A few days ago I had a dream about MFL and panicked. I didn’t know what it meant, whether I’m still in love with him, whether we’re actually soul mates and he had a dream about me that night too, whether I should do anything about it. This feeling of uncertainty and confusion is all too familiar. I feel like I am running in circles. I’ve been here before.
I wanted to blog about it – the panic, the scenarios that are running in my head over and over, the emotional turmoil – it would have made a good entry. But I didn’t even want to acknowledge it. I’m like an addict who denies having a problem. But what is the alternative? What if my problem is that I’m still in love with my high school boyfriend?
I can’t go through this again. The first two rounds of “I love him, I love him not” almost made me crazy, I cannot do it again.
The L word is so scary. I have yet to say it but sometimes I ask myself do I really? What if I said it and I didn’t mean it. Does that mean I have to keep saying it?
Post It notes save my life. I make like 20 a day and I got a really cool Post it note dispenser. It was free form their website. hahaha
You’re right, it is scary. I didn’t use the L word that much when I was with him, I’d say things like “I love how you’re so stubborn” but I never said “I love you.” I guess I was afraid of what it would mean. It’s strange that those three little words can make someone feel so vulnerable, right?
I don’t really understand why I was so afraid, he was my FIRST love after all, it wasn’t like I’d been hurt before. But, I guess I was just really paranoid.
I don’t really know what advice to give, seeing as I don’t know your past and even then I think it’s up to the people involved and we all just have to hope it works out. Best of luck!
I wish I could help you find an answer, but I can’t. You’re the only one who can find that. No matter what you find you should face it head on because life is too short to have regrets.
I give myself that advice too. I tried it before, facing it head on. But even then, I couldn’t find closure, instead, his reaction made me more confused.
If I’m never going to get an answer, or if I don’t get the answer I’m looking for and become horribly depressed, I don’t know if I’d be able to get over it again.
The bathroom post-it image is a bit creepy (because how did she know where he’d stand!?!), but it’s so cute overall aha.
As for your troubles with MFL, like everyone else has said, it’s really something you need to decide on your own. From what it SEEMS, you really are still in love with him, and there’s really nothing wrong with that. You were together for two years, after all, and it seems like the two of you were serious about each other. It’s really up to you whether or not you talk to MFL about it, if you find that you really are serious again and still love him. Whatever you decide, make sure you do it without regrets. Try not to dodge your feelings, lay it all out. It might be hard, but it will definitely relieve you of some of your burdens. I hope it works out for you!
Thanks Rosemary, that was really good advice.
I don’t know why I’m such a coward when it comes to my love life, I guess I’m just terrified of heartbreak. Or maybe I’m too proud to admit that I’m not over him. Or maybe both.
But some things are worth risking everything for eh?
It’s all right to feel scared. I mean, no one wants their heart broken, no matter what the reason, right? But yeah, sometimes you have to risk something to gain something. Sacrificing a bit of pride and possibly heartbreak to gain some peace of mind and help you move on (with or without him) is worth figuring out your feelings.
If it makes you feel better, while I’ve never been through this, I’ve been through something with my boyfriend recently regarding his ex, and a lot of it relied on me actually sorting out my feelings and actually getting it out in the open with him. It was literally chewing away at me and I was crying every night about it, but a lot was lifted off of me after I talked with him.
Hopefully you’ll feel a lot better once you can sort things out with yourself and with MFL.
Yay for Post-It Notes! That’s a pretty snazzy mural that guy made.
I know what you mean however I’ve admitted myself that I have a problem cos I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend… that’s a good start!
Secondly I know what you feel cos I dream about my ex or more he hunts me on my oasis of dreams! I think once I’ve dreamt that he was holding strongly his hand on my throat, he wasn’t trying to strangle me but still. I remember I woke up at 2 am a bit scared…
I wonder what about was your dream.
I’ve never had a dream like that, usually in my dreams, MFL and I are reconciling, or already reconciled.
Maybe one day I’ll write an entry about my dream(s) of MFL, but right now, I think it’s better to leave them in the murky depths of my mind.
i’ve been in your shoes before. a similar one and i get what you’re going through. afterall, we all don’t want to get hurt…
sometimes it really bugs me when i just can’t seem to get an answer for life’s questions and I find myself stuck in d middle of a circle
To the second sentiment: I just try to move past it, try to forget about it. And this strategy of avoidance works for some cases, for people who go in and out of your life, but it doesn’t seem to work when someone refuses to permanently leave the picture.
Aw, I love post-its, and that has really inspired me.
I wouldn’t think too much about YFL. Again, I’m inexperienced, but I’d imagine that there’s always going to be some kind of connection!
That’s what I keep thinking. That’s why I’m so hesitant to do anything about it. Maybe this is the way everyone feels about their first love. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal of it than it actually is.
But it’s been three years and I still don’t feel like I am ever going to love anyone else. I’m at a loss for what to do.