Breakable
3 Aug
In the last seven days, MFL and I have been spending a surprising amount of time together: dim sum, bowling, sushi, movie, arcade, the list goes on.
We have been extremely comfortable with each other, altogether too comfortable, and I am terrified. I feel like I am driving on the highway, speeding past signs warning me that the highway will end soon, and still I cannot stop, I cannot even slow down. And inevitably, I will just drive right into a cement wall at 100 miles an hour.
And I will die, because that’s what happens when you drive into a cement wall at 100 miles per hour.
One day, he texted me asking if I wanted to get some sushi after work. I ended up forcing LDB, one of his friends, to come with us because I didn’t want to have dinner alone with MFL. All night, I acted as if LDB and I were super close now. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe to make him think I had a life that didn’t involve him? Maybe to make him think that he wasn’t the only boy I was close with? I honestly don’t know.
But of course I wasn’t that tight with LDB, despite staying at his apartment the night of my birthday celebration and talking till 3am in the morning. Nothing compared to the history between MFL and I.
Not two days later, MFL asked me to go see a movie with him. After making him jump through some hoops, I finally agreed. That night, we somehow found ourselves in a bookstore, and I made him read “Where The Wild Things Are” to me. One time when we were dating, we had gone into a bookstore and I had picked out a children’s book and made him read it to me. He was extremely reluctant, but eventually he gave in to my demands. Then, for a Valentine’s Day gift, he bought the book and replaced the character’s names with ours (it was love story between two dogs) and added a poem onto one of the pages. It was a really thoughtful gift. Anyway, making him read “Where The Wild Things Are” to me was extremely reminiscent of that memory.
When he dropped me off that night, I turned around and said, “I’m glad you’re back.” I had meant to say “I missed you” but I didn’t have enough courage. I could see something on his face, a sort of curiousity, but I didn’t explain and left it at that.
I have been debating back and forth between telling him how I feel and ending this tormenting friendship. I have never been so indecisive in my life, and to such extremes! What I can’t decide on is whether I do, in fact, still love him. A few months ago, I read this on Michelle’s blog and saved it. It’s a good summary of my internal turmoil.
…do we ever fully move on? Is there a little piece of our heart that is left behind after the rest of it has been put back together again?
A billboard on a highway…
A song on the radio…
The hint of cologne on a crowded elevator……brings you back. Even if only for a second, you can feel it. Your heart isn’t completely whole.
We are fragile. Just breakable girls and boys.
Is it just the feeling of being whole when I’m with him? Am I meant to feel that way? Does everyone feel that way about their first love? Am I breakable or am I broken?
I think you just need to see where life takes you at this point, we can give you all the advice we want but it’s probably not gonna help you know?
Individual situations, individual decisions, life is unpredictable.
aww… baby, why do you think you’re going to die? As in you think you’re driving 100 miles per hour to a cement walls? Why don’t you change it to a thinking that you’re riding a roller coaster? That is so much fun and risk you die not.
And even if it’ll hurt you, you’ve had the fun, so nothing to regret anymore :) and one way or another, you’d want to redo it. :)
It’s true, I definitely don’t regret any of this, as painful as this journey was at times.
oh sass!!!!
we all feel like this!! i for one, know that i am the HUGEST chicken in the entire world. i want to run screaming for the exit… no, thats a lie… i am even more chicken than that. i want to crawl stealthily to the window and leap out when nobody is looking
we need to take a chance! you and me!　lets do it together!!!!
Alright Sarah, let’s do it together!!
While I will always have a special place in my heart for my first true love, I believe that with enough time you should be able to appreciate them as a person without necessarily having a title role in your life. If you’re obsessing about his place in your life, then you obviously either need him back in your life or closure.
That’s what I’d hoped too. Ideally, I would have found someone else to have a title role in my life and I might have been ok with still caring about my first love. But since that’s not the case, I need closure.
I think everyone feels that way to a certain extent. I know I did for a long time after my first love and I broke up I kept going back to him.
You never know. He really could be the right guy for you. Or he could be a mistake. The only way to know is to try.
I can’t decide if my situation is more like Carrie in SATC or My Best Friend’s Wedding. Which is kind of distressing because in the former, Carrie ends up marrying Big, whereas in the latter, Julia Roberts becomes the best friend of the bride and groom.
ahh why they always come back? maybe coz we want to?
after your dream I knew you gonna get in touch once again. couple of days ago I had mine again… which freaks me out coz I know what’s gonna happen soon.
Enjoy your time and don’t think too much. Don’t think and you don’t make any additional stories coz after we /girls/ can go crazy!
p.s. this text from Michelle’s blog is too true.
Hope you’re fine girl!
My dream was a pretty big warning sign eh? If only we could see the warning signs in our own life…
I think /because/ you feel whole when you are with him means that you still love him.
Or maybe because I’ve ever only known the type of “whole” he makes me feel.
Hm, I really don’t know about that.
Awwww. I can totally relate to this post. <
Moving on is so much easier said than done.
It’s important to just let things happen. The coulda shoulda wouldas will end up killing you in the end.
My first love was actually unrequited (we were friends, though), however, I still have a soft spot for the guy, which I hate admitting. I eventually just accept the thought that I may never fully get over him, but can move forward, and I’m okay with that.
Yeah, first loves are like that. Unless it ends horribly, maybe we’re meant to have a soft spot for them. After all, nothing is quite like first love.
That clip from Michelle’s blog… wow, just wow. Totally identifiable.
*sigh*
I felt exactly the same way…I did give in. I kept driving down that road, curvy at times, and (don’t mean to scare you) I crashed into a cement wall going 100 mph.
What Michelle said is completely true. It doesn’t just go for the girls, but for guys too. We are breakable girls and boys.
As much as you’ll appreciate our advice to you and our thoughts about this post, in the end it will be you who decides if you want to get in that car and drive. It will be up to you if you want to risk it and see if that cement wall will be there or not…I know the heart says something different than the mind, but listen to the one that is more reasonable.