Change.
8 Aug
MFL and I are like Carrie and Mr. Big1, Rachel and Ross2, Sydney and Vaughan3.
Except in all those cases, the two end up together. So maybe not such great examples.
The point is, it feels like the time we’ve known and spent with each other could be a lifetime in itself. Sometimes I think about the time when we were together and I am almost surprised that it’s my past. It feels like it happened in a past-life, or in a vivid dream, or in a story I read in a book somewhere.
Everything has changed now. But some things never change.
And therein lies the problem.
Putting aside the question of whether we might still love each other, we certainly care about each other. And when a man cares about a woman, or vice versa, things are no longer cut and dry.
Which begs the question, can men and women truly just be friends? In fact, a better question is, can exes truly just be friends?
I’m going to be honest. Going into Tuesday night, I did harbor the hope that he would reciprocate my feelings. Even if we never talked about it, that there were residual feelings from our relationship was undeniable. But were those feelings something he thought was worth nurturing, worth pursuing?
However, as the night wore on, I started to realize that he was happy with his relationship, that he was committed to it. So when I finally initiated the dreaded conversation about us, I had lost my nerve to ask him to choose between his girlfriend and me. Sure, there was still a chance that he would choose me, despite how things seemed, but I was too afraid of the alternative, too afraid to hear him say, outright, that he would choose her.
So, in cowardice and self-defense, I presented him with the remaining choice: to end our friendship.
I hemmed and hawed for a while, and, as if he knew what was on my mind, he said, “Spit it out.”
I finally did.
“The thing is,” I hemmed and hawed a little more, “Well, the thing is, when you were in the Philippines, I missed you. And, I realized that was weird because, well, I don’t miss my friends. I mean, sure I miss them when they come back and we hang out and it’s like ‘Wow I missed hanging out with you,’ but I don’t miss them while they’re gone, you know?”
He nodded. He knew. “I guess I could see how you would feel that way, from your perspective. But my perspective is different, since I have a girlfriend; I just see you as a really close friend.”
His comment took me by surprise. Was that a jab? I didn’t have time to figure it out, my brain was trying to sort out my next sentence into some semblance of coherence.
“I guess, what I’m trying to say is… I don’t think we should be friends.”
Both of us remained silent as the words sunk in. I took a sip of tea and realized my hand was shaking. I grabbed one hand with the other as I set the tea cup down.
“It’s just that sometimes when we hang out, it almost feels like we’re dating, you know? I mean, maybe this is why exes can’t be friends, because if we have such a good relationship with each other, why did we break up in the first place? Friendships are a type of relationship too. And for us, our friendship is skewed on the gradient between friendship and relationship.”
“I guess that’s true,” he said slowly. “But how would that even work? How can we not be friends?” He was referring to our posse of mutual friends.
“Well, I’m not saying we can’t ever see each other. But I just don’t think we should be… close friends.”
Silence.
“It’s not that I regret being friends with you. But,” I paused, “It’s just too hard.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, hearing this for the first time, “for making things harder for you.”
Silence.
“I told you not to be too nice to me,” I said, referring to a joke I’d made two years ago, when I’d said, ‘Don’t be too nice to me or else I might regret giving you up.’
“I can’t help it!”
“I know. It’s just… I feel like there’s something tying me to you, and as long as you’re in my life, I will always be tied to you.”
“So I guess I’m the problem. And your suggestion is to take me out of the picture, right?”
I nodded slowly.
“Is that really the only thing we can do? Is there no alternative?”
“Well, that’s all I can think of. If you have any other suggestions, I’m all ears.” I was smiling, maybe to hide how horrendously nervous I was.
“I think an alternative would be if you had someone to replace me.”
He was referring to me getting a boyfriend. “Easier said than done,” I said, trying to keep my tone lighthearted. “Think about what they’re up against, a perfect stranger versus seven years of knowing each other.”
“That’s true,” he agreed reluctantly.
Silence.
“For how long?” He finally asked.
“Maybe three or four years? I don’t know…”
“Or until you find someone to replace me,” he added.
Was that another jab? “Maybe…”
And that was that. He drove me home that night, and all the way home, we talked as if we hadn’t just had an awkward and painful conversation that decidedly ended a seven-year relationship.
That night, I flipped and turned and couldn’t sleep well at all. Despite having been away from him all summer, it suddenly seemed like I was in danger of not surviving even twenty-four hours without him.
But I did survive, and am still surviving. I am more grateful now than ever for being kept so busy at work. And luckily, I have always been able to move on really quickly, at least on the surface. I can’t stand dwelling on things I can’t change, or thoughts that lead me nowhere, so for the time being, I am a perfectly functional human being.
Even if it does feel like I have just disowned a sibling or amputated an arm.
[Author's note: I tried to recreate the conversation exactly as it was, but, to be honest, I was so nervous that the whole conversation was kind of a blur. I remember snippets of the conversation without remembering their chronological order. So, I hope everything makes sense.]
Beautifully written. I hope you’re able to find a life without him.
I used to say to myself “It’s not that I can’t live without him. It’s that I don’t want to.”
Now that I want to, I don’t know if that was true anymore.
When did everything get so complicated?
Moving on is clearly not going to be an easy thing, but I’m sure you will be able to get through it. I hope so at least.
Yep, it’s hard. And painful. But I know I’ll get through it.
I just wonder what kind of person I’ll be on the other side.
time is what you need, a busy life with work and other friends ftw, and this website and all of its readers who will always be hear to listen.
Who needs a therapist when you’ve got a blog, eh?
But sometimes I think I might actually need professional help. Maybe we all do.
please, everyone does need professional help simply because no such friend who will listen to you for hours after hours upon days after days exists. but yeah, this blog is the next best thing if you don’t have the $3849. (you know, plus tax)
Exes can be a funny thing. If you end amicably, being friends is possible in my experience. However, all my exes have cheated on me, so I don’t happen to remain on good terms. Regardless of what you may write or say to friends and bloggers, inside your head you probably know the answer as to whether it will work out or not.
TV gives us too high an expectation of romance and love unfortunately. But it just doesn’t work out like that at all in the real world :(
They all cheated on you? Wow, I’m sorry to hear that.
MFL and I did end amicably, which is probably why we were able to be friends. But the problem between us is not being on good terms as exes, but being so close as exes. Hence the alarm bells.
Yeah, being on good terms with an ex is far different from being so close. Case in point: my boyfriend and his ex; they ended on very bad terms, and were becoming pretty close (via email/AIM) a few months before we started going out. Granted, they never met up again (because I refused to let her meet him alone with all her insistence on alone time), but still. It was too close for comfort and for it to be “just friends”. I find it hard for exes to just remain friends when they worry about each other in a very-not-just-friends way and do things together in such a way. Especially if they know many many MANY secrets and things about the other person from a long-term relationship. There has to be some distance in order to let it not turn into a mirror of the past relationship or whatnot, and if you don’t leave that distance, well, you get what you had with MFL. A blur between friendship and lovers.
In any case, reading that really helped me understand what had happened (it was clear enough, don’t worry!). All I can tell you is that you did the right thing, even if it really feels like you won’t be able to survive at times. Whenever things get hard, just let us know – we’re here to listen! Like Connie said, we’re a great alternative to a professional psych!
Well, the ones I cared about and considered a relationship. Sucks really, but never mind :) The current one is a good one though, so that’s all gravy!
“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want”Lao Tzu
I think he said it better than anyone. Keep on rocking!
Aw…whatever happens from here on out (because I think it will be difficult for him, too), I hope you can be happy now. :) For me, I get the feeling that this isn’t over yet, but we’ll see, won’t we?
That’s what I’m afraid of. I keep wishing for a clean break, hoping that this is it, but I don’t know if a clean break is possible between me and him. We’re just too accessible to each other. This is when I want to run away…
Ohh Dear… I can only imagine the pain and lost you felt that moment. It’s like you can’t breathe anymore. It’s hard. I won’t give you any good advice coz I still have problem to get over my ex. But the good thing is that it was your decision and day after day it will be easier for you.
Hope you will find a nice guy till that moment have fun and enjoy your life coz girl you’re young! younger than me! so have fun and focus on yourself!
bisous!
Oh man… the part about your hand shaking as you were holding the tea cup… I could feel your nervousness. Keep moving on, chica, things may be hard now, but can only go up from here.
That’s hard. I think he’s right about the you finding someone else being the only real solution, and you’re right that it’s way easier said than done, but it’ll be easier now that you’re not spending time with YFL. You made the right choice, definitely.
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
This is a big step, and it really seems like you put a lot of thought into it. You’ll tough it out, and you will learn so much more about yourself :)
I’m honestly friends with my first love. At first it was really hard, even though I broke up with him, but now we’re just good friends. I think we had to go through all the hard times to get to where we are, comfortable with each other but not as a couple. It’s refreshing to be friends with someone who knows me so well, that doesn’t want anything more than that.
I think, given time, if you two care about each other as much as it seems, you’ll be friends again.
I secertly wish sometimes that me and my ex are like big and carrie. sometimes i feel so gulity just thinking about it tho.
we were like the BESTEST EX friends EVER. then somewhere down the road one of us wanted it to work so badly one of us risked everything and now, its never the same. im not sure if i still care about him or he even thinks of me. its just a big mess. ):
but parts of me like 1% (okay more than that) wish we are big and carrie.
Don’t wish you’re Big and Carrie! Those two were awful! He treated her like crap and yet, for SOME REASON she was still crazy about him. I honestly, honestly wish Carrie and Big never had that affair when she was with Aiden because then she would have ended up with the RIGHT guy.
wow, this is the conversation i wanted to have with my ex– my first love.
and i would have hoped for a different outcome. But i think i can finally understand your MFL. A piece of his heart will always belong to you but sometimes it’s easier to keep the memories than risk ruining what you have left.
I kind of wish we had left our memories alone when we broke up, because then I’d always think of him fondly. But I just couldn’t stay away, could I?
It’s a hard process, letting go of someone you loved so dearly. But time is what makes things better; I know it sounds cliche and whatnot but I think it’s true. It’s always worked wonders for me. I hope you’re able to forget him and move on and start living.
I say move on and have your space. You definitely seem to need it if he isn’t helping in the equation at all. I hope it all works out for you though! It must be a hard step.
all change is not progress..the only thing i warn you against is to have a replacement, for the sake of having a replacement…focus on the other things in life…most processes in life are not linear…at any point of time we have our focus on a few things, focus on improving the other aspects of your life as of now…when you meet someone (which you will if you have a life)…then you can focus on having a good relationship…