Girl and City

On Saturday morning, my parents called five times. Normally, they call me on Sunday mornings, but ever since they spent a week at my apartment, my mom has been calling me whenever she felt like it. It was really starting to peeve me (can you tell I’m someone who needs my space?).
I was at a training event so I didn’t pick up the phone. On the sixth call, I finally picked up and hissed, “Stop calling me! I’m busy!”
“Oh, I thought you just hadn’t woken up yet.”
“No, I’m up. I’m at a training event. Call me tomorrow!” Then I hung up.

So this morning, they called again. Even though I was working on my take-home exam, I picked up, like promised.
“We’re going back to China.”
What? Is this a joke? Is this just to spite me because I didn’t want to talk yesterday?

My parents, unlike the parents of some of my friends, are not the kind to suddenly decide to go back to China. They are not impulsive, they love their home here, and they hate change. Sometimes, these attributes can be quite frustrating, but more often than not, I appreciate that I have the most dependable parents in the world. Until now.

“What do you mean you’re going back to China? Both of you?”
“Well, your grandmothers (mom and dad’s side) are feeling ill. Plus, both our companies are very unstable right now. We might as well use up our vacation before they fire us.”
“So, you are planning to come back?”
“Well, yes, at the moment. But your father’s company can’t get financing and my company is all over the news with its recall, so if it seems like we won’t have jobs when we come back, then we might stay in China a little longer.”
Well, at least I know it’s not my fault. It’s the fault of the economy. The economy is literally driving them away. If they do both lose their jobs, I will be screwed. Law school costs are ridiculously high, there are no such things as full scholarships, I don’t even think there are such things as scholarships for international students, and I have no guarantor in the U.S. so it will be difficult to get a loan that large.

This weekend, I will go back to The City to see my parents, then next week they will abandon me and our dog, and fly halfway around the world. Stupid economy.

As for what I said earlier about them being the most dependable parents in the world. Once every decade or so, they do make drastic changes. I don’t know if it’s because of hormones, mid-life crises, alignment of the stars, or what have you. About ten years ago, I came home one day to a living room filled with technological gadgets. They had suddenly decided they needed to keep up with the times and replaced every piece of technology in our house for fear that it was going to be obsolete. Five years ago, I came home one day to a living room covered in floor plans. They had suddenly decided they wanted to buy a new home, and not just any new home, a new home the size of a mansion. They argued that my future husband and I, and our imaginary baby, would each need rooms. “I will never, ever live with you when I get married,” I told them flatly.
So yes, once in a blue moon, my mother and father will actually agree wholeheartedly with each other on some major, drastic change, even though they can fight for hours over the most insignificant decisions.

Thus is married life I suppose.

Last week, I went to a CD release party for an indie band that was too hip for me. Apparently, I have terrible taste in music because I listen to whatever is on the Top 40 charts. So bite me. Suffice to say, hipster indie parties are not my scene.

So how did I find myself mingling with indie artsy kids who were all wearing the same outfit (plaid shirts, ripped jeans, and vintage lace-up shoes) in the contemporary gallery of a downtown art museum? I was there because my cute co-worker insisted I go. He was best friends with my other cute co-worker, who was in the band that was hosting the party. CC1 had gone out of his way to invite me to their shows several times, but each time I’d said no because I’m not really into indie music and I’m busy as hell. But last week when he asked me whether I was free Friday night, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe he was so insistent because he liked me. Maybe he was just wanted to see me outside work. Sure, he rarely talked to me at work, but maybe that was because he was shy or weird. Artsy types are always a little bit weird, right?

Anyway, I convinced BI to go with me to provide a second opinion, since she was always good at picking up signals where I am utterly clueless. When I arrived, CC2 (the one in the band) was the first to spot me and gave me a big hug. Half a dozen of my coworkers were also there, all of whom were surprised to see me. At first, CC1 was nowhere to be found, but then I saw him mingling around the room. Oddly enough, he didn’t come talk to me until nearly an hour after I arrived. When he did come by, he was very friendly, and we flirted as if we were much closer than we actually were. However, it wasn’t long before he ran off again. It started to dawn on me that CC1 didn’t want to spend time with me, that perhaps he had just been adamant about inviting me to their shows because he was the self-appointed promoter for his best friend’s band.

Eventually, I had to confess to BI my true motives for inviting her, since it was clear that I wasn’t actually there for the music. When I asked her who she thought had a crush on me, if she had to guess, she guessed every one of my coworkers except CC1. Embarrassed, I decided not to tell her what I had really been hoping for all night. Why had I even thought that CC1 was interested in me? Just because he had invited me, and several dozen others, to this party? Just because he was a little flirtatious? Maybe that was because I’m a girl, not because I’m the girl.

This is why, as a general rule, I don’t respond to flirting. Because when I go out on a limb to give a guy a chance, it never pans out. Perhaps it’s better to stay clueless.

I’m sick.
This is the worst week to fall sick. I have recruiting events every night, job applications due every day, on top of a full course schedule, meetings in between class, and a mountain of casework.

So I have pulled out my dependable Super Bottle. The Super Bottle contains a mosaic of pills I have collected over the years from illnesses of varying degrees. I don’t remember what half the pills are for anymore. Some are antibiotics, some are sketchy pills from China, some are extra-strength prescription painkillers. Any time I get sick during the course of the school year, I just make myself a little cocktail of drugs from the Super Bottle and I can usually make it through the day. By then, I’m so drugged I wouldn’t feel pain if you stabbed a knife into my gut.

Anyway, as I was saying, this is just the perfect time to fall ill. My classes start at 8am and recruiting events end at 9:30pm, so by the time I get home, I’ve been up and about for 14 hours and I’m just ready to crash. But I still have cases to prepare for class. (I don’t do them of course, instead I make myself a large bowl of noodles and watch Scrubs.)

After a few days with a schedule like that, I’m just about ready to go ape shit on the recruiters. Love me, love me, say that you love me¹!

1. Lovefool by The Cardigans. [↩]

Last night, I attended the first recruiting event for this school year.

Yes, I remembered how stressful last year’s recruiting events were. They turned me into a mess. And this year, despite already having decided to apply to law school, I plunged myself into the craziness anyway. What can I say, I’m a masochist.

The result? I became utterly confused as to what I want to do. Are you surprised? No? You’re smarter than I am.
I had no real questions for the recruiters because I was still sitting on the fence about this whole recruiting season anyway. The only question I really needed answered was: how do I marry the best parts of being a lawyer with the best parts of being a consultant? More importantly, how do I choose a path that will make me happiest?

What appeals to me about law and consulting have a lot in common: working with clients, having different cases to work on (each day can be different), a great deal of ownership and autonomy over your case/ideas, and an environment where you are not only encouraged to speak up, but obligated (as the McKinsey recruiters call it, “obligation to dissent”).
These characteristics suit me well. I am incredibly passionate and motivated in the short-term, but not so good at long-term commitment. I lose interest after I cross the first hurdle with flying colours. I am very opinionated, but I only speak up if I think my ideas will be listened to, merited, or have impact.

But there are also major differences between law and consulting. Consultants are known for not really having skills. Sure, problem solving is a very valuable skill, but considering that we’re being recruited out of business school with zero industry experience, and then paid loads of money to tell industry leaders how to solve their problems, I can understand the skepticism and criticism. When I spoke to one of the recuiters last night, I was told that after 2-3 years at McKinsey, Business Analysts (our title when we’re recruited) can decide either to continue with McKinsey or to pursue a different path (MBA, grad school, working in industry, etc.). This sounds to me like people do not stay consultants for life. Sure, it may be one of the most attractive jobs you can have when you’re fresh out of business school, but five years down the road, you either commit to climbing the ladder at the consulting firm you started with, or you work in industry¹. So, not only do you not have “real skills,” you also can’t switch consulting firms².
Law, on the other hand, gives a lot of credit for experience, first surviving the education portion (learning the laws, which is a life-threatening ordeal as laws are deathly boring), and then developing your reputation as you work in the field. The more experience you have, the more popular you are. And there are no qualms about switching law firms, as long as you work in the same field (i.e. if you decide to take corporate law courses in law school, you cannot become a litigation lawyer³ later in your career).

Having said all that, one of my greatest dreams is to have the opportunity, not only to work on different cases, but to work in different countries. The international transferability of a law degree is low compared to consulting. Even if I decided to study, let’s just say for funsies, tax law for multinational enterprises (gag), I’d be able to work in a different country for a corporation that either has non-U.S. subsidiaries, or a non-U.S. parent with U.S. subsidiaries. But, I’d be working in one country. I can’t work for a year in one country, and then work another year in a different country. Comprende?

The choice I’m grappling with is whether I want to incorporate consulting into my career path, and if I do, what order should I do things in? I have created a flow-chart to outline every possible order⁴:

What has this shown me? That perhaps wanting to try everything is more of a character flaw than a virtue. There’s too much to try and too little time.

1. (Big) Consulting firms do not hire from each other. So, you cannot leave McKinsey to work at Bain or BCG. First of all, there’s rivalry between the firms. Second of all, the whole point of recruiting you fresh out of school is so they can groom you to be a McKinsey Consultant or a Bain Consultant. [↩]
2. Unless you go from a big firm to a little firm, but you would only do that if you could get a promoted title. Plus, small firms are less secure than big firms, and consultants are worried about job security as it is. [↩]
3. This is assuming you’re working in a firm. If you open your own office, technically you can practice any area of law you want. [↩]
4. I tried MECE – McKinsey would be proud. [↩]

The other night, I had a most disturbing dream. I’ve been debating whether I want to blog about this, but since this is something I cannot share with anyone in real life, I figure I might as well. I mean, what are blogs for if not to share embarrassing dreams?

Like all my dreams, I was being chased. But unlike all the chase dreams I’ve had since I was nine (there have been a lot), I wasn’t running alone. In this dream, LDB was running alongside me. I don’t remember much, except that when we ran, he held my hand, and when something exploded nearby, he pulled me into a tight hug to protect me from the impact.

This is the first time a hero has appeared in my dreams. The fact that this “hero” is a geeky boy I’ve known since high school and has never been close to is unnerving. It might be because I’ve started seeing him in a new light. When I saw him this summer, he was no longer a boy but a man. He held the umbrella for me in the rain, and he took care of me when I was hungover. But that doesn’t explain what happens next.

At some point during this chase, we ended up at a hardware store. Or the storage area of a hardware store. Either way, we had lost our pursuers and we decided to take some time to gather supplies. There was something LDB wanted to get on the top rack, but we couldn’t reach it and couldn’t find a ladder. Somehow, I knew the pursuers were coming and we were running out of time. I told him to forget it, but he was adamant that he could get it. I told him no, we had to get out of there now. I was ready to run.

And then he pulled me to his chest, and wrapped his arms around me. I tried to push him off, but he held me tight. And then I looked up into his face, and before I knew it, we were kissing. I was kissing LDB.

Now, if you know LDB in real life, you’d understand why I’m so embarrassed. LDB is a dork. He encompasses the word. He is the kind of guy who suffers from severe acne and oblivion to girls. He is not anyone’s idea of a man’s man.

My mind was in shock, but my mouth didn’t stop.
And then we had sex.

.
.
.

Yeah.
It was bizarre.
It was like, I didn’t really want him, I just wanted sex. Or maybe I did want him. I don’t know.

I’ve been struggling with this whole sex thing lately. No, seriously, it’s been kind of a burden since I started university.

You see, I’m a virgin.
That’s right.
It’s not really because I have some rule about not having sex, it just sort of happened this way. When I was with MFL, I just didn’t feel ready. We did talk about it, but I said I wanted to wait until I was 18. I guess, I’ve been brought up to think of sex as the ultimate taboo, and I still associated it with making babies as opposed to pleasure.
But now that I do feel ready to have a sex life, the virginity thing becomes a huge hurdle. ‘Cause, you know, I don’t want my first time to be crappy. I don’t want it to be something I regret the next morning. But at the same time, if I have to wait to meet someone who will fall in love with me, it’s gonna be a fucking long time before I get fucked.

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked. The point is, I think I might be having these sex dreams because I’m not having sex in real life. But honestly, if I’m pretending to lose my virginity via dreamland, couldn’t I have picked someone else to do it with? I mean, LDB?! Really? You’ve I’ve got to be kidding me.

But that’s not even the worse part.
The absolute worst part was that I couldn’t even feel him inside me!!!

It was like, uh, are you in yet?

I guess that’s my other fear. You know, doing it the first time hurts, most girls don’t enjoy the first time, etc..
But instead, in my dream, I encountered the opposite problem.

God, as if I don’t get into enough awkward situations while I’m awake. I have to have awkward sex when I’m asleep too!

Suffice to say, the combination of awkwardness, confusion, and embarrassment that I was doing it with LDB jerked me awake. And you know what else? I haven’t had a sex dream the whole week.