Will you have my baby?
18 Jan
During dinner with my high school friends over the holidays, an interesting question popped up.
“SG, will you be a surrogate for me?” OBF asked me.
Somehow, we had started talking about surrogacy, which is defined by Wikipedia as: “a method of reproduction whereby a woman agrees to become pregnant and deliver a child for a contracted party.” It is important to note, however, that (at least in Canada), it is against the law to compensate (in monetary or other terms) a surrogate mother. That is to reduce potential abuse of someone offering a large sum of money for someone else to be a surrogate. So, in Canada, you would have to volunteer to be a surrogate without receiving anything in return. My friends were debating whether that was fair, given that you would have to be either incredibly nice or incredibly empathetic or both to volunteer to carry someone’s baby for nine months and risk complications related to pregnancy and giving birth.
I was not actively participating in this discussion when OBF suddenly turned to me and asked, “If MS and I can’t conceive, would you be willing to be our surrogate?”
I spat out my drink and laughed. Then, when I realized she was asking in earnest, I practically shouted, “Um, NO! I don’t even want to carry my own baby, why would I want to carry someone else’s?!”
Her eyes widened. There was suddenly silence around the table as everyone’s face matched hers. Wait, did I say something wrong? Did they honestly think I was going to say, “Yes! Please let me be your baby incubator!”?
“Really?” She asked disbelieving, as if I would change my mind on second thought. “If there was something wrong with my uterus, you wouldn’t have my baby?” Her eyes were so wide I thought they were going to pop out of their sockets.
“Well…” I chuckled awkwardly, “I hope it doesn’t come to that. I mean, I hope you and MS are both healthy and fertile.” Then I added, “If you want to be.”
Still, no one said a word.
I looked around the table. If wanting a baby and being physically equipped to have one was the equation for happiness in their mind, I didn’t want to leave anyone out. So I extended my wish to everyone as an afterthought, “I hope you’re all fertile, if you want to be.”
It was awkward. Oh, it was awkward.
Luckily, someone started to chuckle and relieved me of the spotlight.
But seriously, pregnancy? Not on my list of things I have to experience in life, thankyouverymuch. Even if I wanted a baby, I would probably adopt. So why in the world would I volunteer to be someone else’s baby incubator, even if the couple in question were my oldest friends? There are a lot of things I am willing to do for my friends – hold their hair up when they’re throwing up, go along with their crazy plans to seduce an older/married/otherwise unavailable man, make comfort food for them when they’re sad, and even go skydiving if that’s what it takes to cheer them up – but I will not have their baby, no sirree.
What are your thoughts on surrogacy? Would you have your best friend’s baby if she asked you to?
I don’t think I would. That’s asking A LOT from a friend!
EFF ME NO.
She should ask a family member. Cousin or something
Seriously.. no. If I am going to pop something out down there, it better be mine to keep
For free? Hell no. There would have to be a LOT of monetary compensation for me to even consider it.
no freakin way!
i did think about it in college though…they can pay you in the U.S. and it’s like $10 grand…
maybe for my sister…but even then…no…i mean how would you be able to look at that child and not say “it’s mine!”
nope, not even for a sister…good thing i don’t have a sister.
Only $10K? That’s only a little more than $1000 per month. I would want at least $100k!
I think I read a book recently where the sister of the heroine asked her to be a surrogate, and she ended up saying no. I don’t know how Phoebe from Friends had triplets for her half-brother. She’s crazy.
I probably wouldn’t, unless between now and then, I miraculously find childbirth one of the most beautiful experiences or something. I have enough trouble wanting to be pregnant myself with my own child, to think about carrying someone else’s!
Having said that, if I were my best friend, I would feel wrong taking so much money from them. Yes, I know it’s for compensation, but still.
I was going to say I might. I mean, I can think of 3 close friends who, if they wanted to be parents, I would definitely want to ensure that happens and help them do it. But then I’m like… no, they could just adopt and I’ll help them in other ways! Like, what is so special about their DNA that they need it to be propagated? Clearly it wasn’t good enough to make them fertile…
(And that’s where it would have gotten awkward if I said that in a conversation, lol.)
Seriously? She was THAT surprised that you said no? What did she expect, with her springing a question like that in the middle of a conversation?
If there’s something with her uterus, then she might as well adopt. I honestly don’t know much about biology, but if her body’s messed up, there’s no chances that her DNA (taking out her egg and all) would be any better. And all that fun other shit that goes on.
That’s a LOT to ask someone for, no matter how close you are to them, ESPECIALLY for no monetary compensation. I mean, do they honestly think you’d foot the bill for everything on your own? For someone else’s baby? Even if you WANTED kids, it doesn’t mean you’d want kids for SOMEONE ELSE. And at that point, they might as well just adopt as there are plenty of kids that are already born that need a home anyway.
But I’m kind of against surrogacy and whatnot for ethical/moral reasons…and I’d rather people adopt than do things like that…
I agree with gem though in a way. Clearly, if they couldn’t get fertile on their own, then it just wasn’t meant to be. They might as well move on and figure out other alternatives (than to ask some random close friend to be their surrogate mom) that would require less pain on someone else’s part. Like adoption. Hah, I’m really pushing adoption here. I don’t know why they didn’t see that as an option, considering having someone else be your surrogate mother feels a bit like you’re adopting someone else’s baby that happens to have the same DNA as yourselves.
WOW! I cannot believe they were truly shocked you said no!!! I don’t think I could do it. Friends mean a lot, but what if you had children of your own prior to surrogacy and something terrible happened to you whilst being pregnant to someone elses child? What about your own children? In a way I think I would rather do it for someone I didn’t know (if I ever decided to do it).
I guess their shock wasn’t so much that I said no, but how I said No. I said No without even thinking about it, and I was very emphatic about my No. I guess OBF thought that if we were really good friends, I would seriously consider it in her time of need.
But my writing this entry is a form of me “thinking about it”, not that it has changed how I feel on this subject.
Um NO. I can’t believe people thought YOU were crazy. I just wrote a post about all the reasons I don’t want my OWN kid, let alone someone else’s… who isn’t even related to me. There is absolutely no way I would be anyone’s surrogate, no matter how badly I was guilt tripped or shunned by friends.
I guess I am one of the few out there would actually have a baby for someone else. It is a very selfless thing to do and i would love the chance to bring that much joy into someone’s life. Even if that means getting hemorrhoids pushing the kid out, I would happily do it.
Talk about awkward questions- there are just some hypotheticals that you should not force people into answering. Being a surrogate is not a decision that anyone can answer with quick, “Yep!”…I mean, if I was carrying round a little person for nine months, I’d probably be forming my own bond with the child…the emotional and physical difficulties would be pretty full-on.
Anyway, here’s hoping that the two of them are as fertile as bunny rabbits and push never comes to shove :P
Love the response “I don’t even want to have my own baby!” hahaha I feel the same way. Why do some people act like we’re weird just because we are not ready for a baby or may not want one…ever?!
I feel that surrogacy should be paid for in some ways. You can’t expect to pay for all the medical bills when you aren’t going to end up with the child in your hands. The future parents should definitely pay for the expenses of pregnancy, but a friend of yours cannot expect you to be a will surrogate mother just because you are friends. Hell no my friends aren’t using my body as a baby stork.
Um, I am more or less COMPLETELY FIRGHTENED TO MY VERY CORE of ever being pregnant. It’s an issue, really. And I think that the question, sinsere or otherwise, is very much along the lines of “Would you take a bullet for me?” I mean, who says no? But, does anyone who asks it actually forsee the need for you to take said bullet for them? Of course not. Sigh. What IS the right answer then? “hehe. let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.” Or.. a complete topic change… but how to do so slyly?!
Hm… I don’t even want my own baby. But I guess if it’s for my best friend, I probably would.
Maybe they thought it was alright to bring up that kind of topic since you’re old friends, but I still find it kind of uncalled for, so suddenly, and a bit rude she just assumed you’d say yes. It’s a pretty big frikkin’ responsibility and it’s not something you should ever be pushed into. It’s your own body being abused from the inside for 9 months, for goodness sakes!
Strange… My ex-best friend asked me that same question a while back. I said “Yes” because I didn’t think I would mind being the “oven” for her since she was my best friend. After all the drama that occurred between us, I asked myself why I even bothered with her.
Either way, nothing’s gonna happen because we don’t even talk anymore.
But yeah, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with saying no because what she’s asking for is a big deal.
Well I think it’s all a matter of mindset. Everyone would MIND carrying someone else’s baby, but everyone has different levels of ‘caring’, so to speak. Those who are more ‘caring’ and selfless would be up to it.
But ah well I’m Muslim and the surrogacy procedure is unallowed, so that kinda makes the choice for me. I still wouldn’t do it, though.. coz I know I’ll be the type to wanna keep it for myself at the end. If the topic comes up again, maybe you could tell them that you’d prolly find it VERY hard to part with the baby, so they better not risk it with you.
WOAH. NOT cute dinner conversation. That is insane?!
I am with you btw. I’m barely interested in carrying my own baby.
No, no, nonono, nononononono.
The reasons that my husband and I do not want kids, but one of them is because I have no desire to have my body destroyed by a small creature living in my vagina.
For that matter, it was pretty rude of your friends to put you on the spot like that, especially if they were going to take it personally. Besides, if they really can’t have a kid, why don’t they just adopt? There a plenty of kids just lying around, waiting for someone to take them home.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. There are plenty of adorable little unwanted boys and girls looking for a good home. It’s a good way to help the population crisis anyway.
Your uterus is not a car for friends to lease at their neccesity. That’s just my thoughts.
No way in HELL.
Like you, I don’t even want to carry my OWN baby – and will most likely adopt.
HELL NO.
I love my friends, I REALLY do…and I would go to the ends of the earth for them – but I think surrogacy is on my list (short, SHORT list – mind you) of things I will NOT volunteer to do for them,
Haha, I’m kind of surprised at there reaction. I mean really? Come on now.
I think Meghan ^ puts it best.
ok…i don’t know why girls get so iffy about babies. i mean i want to have babies ONE day and survive and not have postnatal depression.
i’m NOT god with fluctuating hormones…and come on, is really hard and unnatural to give up YOUR baby. It was in you for 9 months – it’s yours. what if i go postnatal on my friend when she takes the kid?! not to mention the stretch marks and weight gain.
jeez! about the girls who get SO serious :P you were in a funny situation girl :P