Girl and City

On our second day in Chicago, BI and I had originally planned to walk around Millennium Park. However, it was raining that morning, so we drove around aimlessly in our car, letting ourselves get lost in the city. As we were driving, we had an interesting conversation about relationships and marriage.
Her parents have never married, despite being in a committed relationship for over 25 years. My parents were married soon after they started dating, not out of love but out of a need to settle down into a committed relationship¹. So it’s no surprise that we had very different perspectives on marriage.

My perspective was that I had to get married. I would not be happy without marriage. In fact, I wanted to get engaged by the time I was 26 and married by the time I was 27. BI is already 26, so this sort of talk no doubt alarmed her. She was ready for a serious relationship now, but she certainly wasn’t sold on marriage. In fact, if she had a committed relationship that never led to marriage, she would be just as content.

Although we could not agree on the “need” for marriage, there was one thing we could agree on: relationships² are not what they used to be. And we believe this is mostly because women’s roles in society have changed.
In the past, women were financially dependent on their male counterparts. Thus, finding a husband was absolutely necessary for survival. Nowadays, women are financially independent, which means finding a husband (or a life partner) is no longer about need, but about want.

I’ve talked about this before but I had another realization this time. The tricky thing with “want”, and the reason for all these failed marriages nowadays, is that “want” changes much more quickly and easily than “need.” A need for a breadwinner exists perpetually, unless you win the lottery or a huge inheritance falls into your lap out of nowhere. However, without that need, what you want becomes rather capricious. What you want can change several times a week, much less a lifetime. For example, right now, you may want someone who can make you laugh and cheer you up no matter what, around whom you are more impulsive and fun. But in five or ten years, maybe you’ll want someone who can take things seriously, who won’t make light of things that are important, and who can be a steady rock, no matter how boring and predictable. As a result of these changing “wants”, not only does your life partner feel superfluous for not being able to satisfy a need, but they feel uneasy because they are at risk of being kicked aside on a whim.

Of course, I exaggerate the effect of this problem, but it is indeed a real problem. Unless our need for human companionship³ is as strong as our need for survival, a marriage for a lifetime no longer seems plausible.

The rain stopped just as we were about to buy tickets to see Blue Man’s Group, since we decided that doing something indoors was the best course of action on a rainy day. Seeing that the rain stopped, we decided to go to Millennium Park after all. If we can change our mind three times during the course of one day, how will I be sure what I want for the rest of my life?

1. In China, when you near the age of 30, people around you start frantically setting you up on dates, with the idea that if you like what you see, you’ll get married. This is very similar to practices in Korea and India. [↩]
2. Marriage being the ultimate form of a relationship. [↩]
3. But I question the strength of a marriage if the philosophy behind is companionship for companionship’s sake. [↩]

I ushered in the new year standing in OBF‘s kitchen with a glass of bubbly, surrounded by six of my closest funnest friends from high school. This particular group of friends is one that I’ve kept in touch with the best – we always get together whenever there’s more than two of us back in The City.

Someone I didn’t really know was eavesdropping while I updated my high school friends on the Singapore situation.
“Aren’t you going to miss your friends?” She suddenly asked.
I paused for half a beat. “I didn’t really think about that.” She didn’t seem satisfied with my answer. “I figure I’ll make new friends there,” I added. It didn’t occur to me until later how harsh that sounded. The friends in my life now, the ones I’ve known for over seven years, are they replaceable?

I never put too much stock in friendship because I moved around a lot as a child, and I never had trouble making new friends wherever I went (keeping in touch with old friends, that was the trouble). It wasn’t until high school that I stayed in one place. But once I did, the friendships that formed were stronger than anything I’d ever imagined.
These are friends who are guaranteed to be able to make me laugh, and laugh so hard I need to take time-outs. These are friends who know me, and each other, so well that we can be around each other without any filters or pretenses. These are friends who I can call on after a year of zero contact, and pick up exactly where we left off.

When I think about it hard enough, yes, I absolutely will miss these friends, no matter how many new friends I make. When I think about it hard enough, I almost wish I’d picked New York instead of Singapore.

But I also know that these are friends for life. And that means, that no matter where I end up, no matter how scattered we become, our friendship will never change.

I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. For me, the new year means:

• Graduating from university. Final exams end in early April for me, and I also have three weeks off throughout the term, so I only have three months worth of class left.
• Traveling. Many of my friends from The Business School are on exchange this term, and they won’t finish school until early June. Which means I can couch-surf throughout Europe in April and May. I also plan on going back to China to visit my grandmother before heading to Singapore. So the plan is: Canada –> Eastern Europe –> Canada –> China –> Singapore.
• Moving to Singapore. This is something I look forward to entirely separate from starting my job. I am planning to get a condo in the Central Business District (downtown Singapore), somewhere close to the subway lines, walking distance to my office, and of course, with all the bells and whistles of a Singapore condo (Olympic-size swimming pools, state-of-the-art fitness centers, and sometimes even maid service – seriously, each one is like its own little resort).
• Starting work. I will be starting work at the Consulting Firm in September. After a one-week training, I will immediately be plunged into a project. Although it is very difficult to predict where the project will be, odds are it will be in China or Hong Kong. Other possible locations include: Thailand, Sydney, Tokyo, Seoul, or Europe, or North America. With the Consulting Firm, the world is literally my oyster.

2010 is a major turning point. It is the end of my life as a student and the beginning of my life as a fully independent adult. And I can’t wait.

What does 2010 mean for you?

Ever since I saw the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, I’ve felt the need to tell the other side of the story. Not all women are like Gigi. What about the women who blow off the men?

So I have come up with my own list of 10 indicators that she’s just not that into you:

1. She screens your calls. Yes, women do it too. You can tell she’s screening if she never picks up when you first call, but then picks up after your fifth or sixth call. You definitely know she’s screening if she finally picks up and says, “What?” (Here’s a handy-dandy How-To guide on screening, not that you should need it.) If she’s screening your calls, she’s not that into you.
2. She takes a long time to respond to your text messages, and her texts are one-word replies. Women, on average, use more words in their texts than men. If her texts to you are shorter than yours to her, she’s not that into you.
3. She doesn’t initiate anything. If she is never the first one to call you, first one to text you, first one to email you, or first one to suggest meeting, she’s not that into you.
4. She won’t introduce you to her friends. For men, they may not want women to meet their parents, but for women, meeting her friends is the symbolic equivalent. A woman’s friends are her greatest allies, they are the girls who tell her she’s a goddess and deserves a man who will worship the ground she stands on, rightly so. A woman will always screen boyfriends past her friends if it’s getting serious. So if it’s been a while and you still haven’t met any of her close friends, she’s not that into you.
5. She doesn’t want to spend special occasions with you. Even women who don’t like romance like romantic gestures at the right times. Unfortunately, if she isn’t interested in your Valentine’s Day plans together, she’s not that into you.
6. She brings up the idea of casual dating. Even women who aren’t that into you will want to have the relationship talk. Why? Because we’re women and believe it or not, we do like to have things laid out on the table. Women tend to feel guilt more strongly than men when they are seeing multiple people, even if the relationship was not explicitly defined as “exclusive.” Thus, she will probably bring up the idea of casual dating so that she doesn’t feel like she’s cheating. But women are generally monogamous-loving creatures, so if she doesn’t want to take herself off the market, she’s not that into you.
7. She doesn’t wear the jewelry you give her. Giving jewelry as a gift is a precursor to the engagement ring in most women’s minds. If she doesn’t wear the jewelry you give her, it’s probably because she doesn’t feel like she’s yours. If she doesn’t want to show the world that there is a man in her life who is buying her nice jewelry, she’s not that into you.
8. She always cancels your plans. If someone doesn’t want to see you, in general it should be a pretty clear sign that they’re not into you. But women can be subtle, because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Instead of flat-out rejecting you, she can come up with all sorts of last-minute excuses to not see you. These may even be legitimate excuses, she may be legitimately busy, but the bottom line is, if she doesn’t make time for you, she’s not that into you.
9. She never lets you stay over at her place, you always have to go your place. This one is not set in stone depending on other factors like smelliness, roommates, and location. However, it is generally easier to leave someone’s home than to get someone to leave your home, especially when you want to do it without hurting their feelings. If she’s always looking for an exit strategy, she’s not that into you.
10. She refuses to make plans for the future. Not all women are meticulous planners, but on average, they probably plan more in their relationships than men. If she changes the subject every time you want to make plans for the future, be it going on a trip together or getting a pet together, she’s not that into you.

The bottom line is that women and men are more similar than they are different. Regardless of whether we are shy or busy, if we are into you, we would want to see you. Sometimes it’s better to hear the truth sooner rather than later, especially if the truth is: she’s just not that into you.

I wrote this post a few days ago and I hadn’t planned on publishing it, but after reading imerika‘s blog, I realized I might as well. It would be unfair not to show my weak, emo moments, no?

——

I know that you think I’ve changed. I know you’re unsure of the person I am now. I have changed, but I think I’ve changed for the better.

And there are still parts of me that haven’t changed, parts that you impacted. That part, I keep in a very deep place inside me, because I don’t ever want that part to change.

Sometimes, it still hurts for me to think about you, but I have just got to realize that some things may never change.

We may care about each other, but it’s not love.
I know it’s not love because I can live my life without you. I have been living my life without you.

I just wish I realized it sooner. I guess I needed to learn how to live without you.

There is a place, between love and friendship, that you occupy. I just can’t get confused, that’s all.

One thing I know I will never, ever be confused about again? We will never be us again.

Things I have learned over the last four months:

• Do not sleep over at a guy’s place if he has a girlfriend. If anything happens, you’ll be “the other girl.” Even if you think that it’s okay, it’s never okay to be “the other girl.”
• Sometimes, douchebag bosses do need to be put in their place. Even if telling them off won’t accomplish anything, at least you’ll have the satisfaction of seeing the look on their faces when you let them have a piece of your mind. Otherwise, you will dream about having shouting matches with your boss, which is nowhere near as satisfying as the real thing.
• Following from the above, it’s okay to burn bridges. This summer, I burned two bridges (HB and MFL) and it was the best thing I could have done for me. If only I had burned the bridge with LawyerMan too…
• No one will love you like your parents love you. Although I’m proud that I have never been spoiled by my parents, after twenty years, I do want to be spoiled, just a little bit.
• At a recruiting event, don’t say things like “Even if Firm X gave me an offer, I wouldn’t take it” or “I’m only here for the food and open bar.” Especially when there’s a recruiter standing behind you.
• During a case interview, don’t say, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” When they ask you why you want to work at their firm during a behavioural interview, don’t answer with any of the following: “Because that guy I met at the recruiting event was super cute!” “Because you guys fly to Germany to party over the weekend.” “Because I heard you can charge trips to Ibiza on your expense account.” All true by the way. But don’t say it.
• Your friends aren’t perfect either. Being the first to forgive and forget can go a long way.
• Holding a grudge just isn’t worth it.
• Don’t take everything too seriously, you’re too young for that.

The last few weeks have been insanely busy. As you have probably guessed by now, it’s recruiting season at The Business School, which means wearing a full suit to school, getting drunk at recruiting events (open bar) while ignoring recruiters, and no classes. Sounds like one big party, eh? Not quite.
The good news is that this time around, I have gotten a lot of interviews. I have six first-round interviews this week, with some of the top five consulting firms in the world. I only applied to global consulting firms because… well, I figured I’d apply to the best of the best, and if I didn’t walk away with any job offers, I would focus on law school.
I have had two interviews so far, which has resulted in one call-back for a final-round interview next week.

The thought of working for one of these swanky consulting firms still makes me feel a little bit like a fraud. After all, I’m a 21-year-old with no industry experience, and I’ll be working on projects for C-level executives of multimillion dollar companies. Go ahead, send me to client sites in Los Angeles, Dubai, Switzerland, Singapore. Go ahead, pay me $70 grand a year for coming up with a few Powerpoint slides.
I don’t know. But I’m sure all that money will appease my conscience. And help me pay for law school.