“What about SAD¹? Do you still talk to her when you’re back in The City? She was a nice girl,” I ventured, hoping he would tell me more about his relationships now that he had opened up to one. I reached for the last luo bo si bing (radish fried cake) with my chopsticks.
“No, never.”
“Why? I thought you liked her. She was a nice girl! From my perspective at least.”
“She was… okay.” It was obvious he was hesitant to agree with me. “At the time, I talked to L about it and she said, ‘As long as she isn’t just a rebound.’ And she so was. She completely was.”
Inside, a tiny voice was actually cheering. I was right again. I knew those two were not right for each other. On the other hand, I don’t know why he got together with her in the first place, at the expense of my feelings. But that was a matter of pride, and there would never be an adequate explanation for that.
“She was a mistake too,” he sighed. “I have made quite a few mistakes it seems.” He started to tackle the untouched bowl of dan dan mian.
I was torn. As his ex, I was happy to hear that the two girls he dated since me were both “mistakes.” But as his friend, I felt bad for feeling good.

“Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself. You have actually done pretty well for yourself. I mean, you only made two mistakes. I’ve made dozens.”
He looked up. I could tell he was interested. “Really?”
“Yeah, of course. I mean, at least you had real relationships, even if they were a waste of your time. I didn’t even have that.” In my head, I knew I should have stopped at that, but I couldn’t stop. My mouth just kept moving. “I had one bad date after another. Believe me, I have made way more mistakes than you. Like ten more.”

He was quiet. I already regretted giving him a definite number. “I guess so,” he finally said. Now he was feeling bad for me.
I turned the attention back on him. “To be honest, I have to say that hearing you say they were mistakes kind of makes me happy, as your ex. But as your friend, I want to ask, what about your current relationship?”
“Oh, this one is definitely not a mistake. No, definitely not,” he smiled. My heart sank. “Her name is B. She’s great. I mean, her friends are terrible, but she is nothing like them. She’s logical and reasonable and –”
I cut him off. “That’s great! That’s really good to hear. You seem happy.”

I realized that whatever opportunity I had had for getting back together with MFL came and went with the two previous “mistakes.” Now he was with a girl he really liked, maybe even loved, and I had known it right from the beginning. From the first time I saw him on the phone with her, I knew: this one was different. This one actually meant something to him. But as hard as I fought it, I couldn’t let him be. I couldn’t let him go completely.
Which was when the second realization of the night dawned on me. He was more loyal to me than any of the girls he’s been with. It was clear as day. He valued my opinion more than his relationships with them, and if I had said to him that so-and-so was a mistake, or so-and-so wasn’t right for him, he would have gone and broken up with her without a second thought. Not that I had ever told him to break up with any of his girlfriends, because I felt it wasn’t my place, but he made it clear he would listen to me. It was freaky to have that much power over someone’s life.
But with power comes responsibility, and I knew that the only reason I did have that much power over him was because he trusted me. He knew that if I saw him with someone who was right for him, I would not let my over-inflated pride get in the way of his happiness. It was true. As long as he was happy with B, I was rooting for them all the way. I still care about him so damn much that his happiness supersedes mine.
And of course, the last, most obvious realization. I still love him. I know because I fail to be selfish when it comes to him. I know because despite how much I just want to be his ex and not his friend, I am his friend, and I am a good friend. And maybe his past, present, and future girlfriends will all hate me for being in his life, but I cannot let him go.

But I have to also believe that while he may never leave my heart, there is room there for someone else. And so I, like him, will find someone who can really make me smile, and then it’ll be MFL‘s turn to be happy for me.

1. SAD was the girl that “caused our break-up” so to speak. We were in a relationship low and I saw that there was a spark between them. SAD really liked him, but I am not sure how much he liked her. Either way, she was the girl that he got together with about a week after our break-up.

The only problem was that I was on someone else’s couch, in front of someone else’s fireplace, and the boy warming my feet was someone else’s boyfriend.
Small details, of course. When I should have been jolted awake by the realization that this entire fantasy belonged to someone else, I was instead swooning in his presence.

The last two days have been spent preparing for a presentation that we had to make this morning on a business idea. DEB was in my group, and we flirted mercilessly. My version of flirting was bickering with him – on everything. So much so that the rest of our group started to call us an old married couple. Honestly, he really drives me crazy, but in a good way. I find him so frustrating and exasperating and… heart-wrenchingly adorable! The only way I could focus on the task at hand was by making snide remarks and snappy comments to make him think I was annoyed with him. Every time he said something, he would grin at me, and I would look up from my work and lose myself in his eyes. And then I’d snap back to reality with a quick “you are so annoying” or “I hate you” and proceed to ignore his wounded act. As we were closing in on 30 hours of working together, he started to really believe it.
DEB: Do you really hate me?
Me: Of course.
DEB: I can’t tell if you’re being serious or not.
Me: I’m a good actress.
DEB: See, right there, were you being serious? I can’t tell.
My friend, who was also in our group, walked by and said, “She is probably secretly in love with you.” I guess she saw right through me. I blushed and returned to work.
This morning, after we presented, I made a paper crane and gave it to him, and he wrote me a note:
so you don’t hate me?
I replied: of course not =)
I was tempted to draw a little heart but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. He smiled and tucked the paper crane into his shirt pocket.

All in all, it was a fantastic way to end first term, even if I could only borrow DEB for a short time to play the boyfriend role in my fantasy. Now I am going to end up spending my holidays going over every little detail in a futile attempt to figure out if he was flirting with me and whether that is because he likes me or not and… you know. Typical googly-eyed girl stuff.

1. He divided his time between watching me work and trying to do work himself, but he was pretty much useless so it was much more the former than the latter.