Girl and City

MFL and I are like Carrie and Mr. Big¹, Rachel and Ross², Sydney and Vaughan³.
Except in all those cases, the two end up together. So maybe not such great examples.

The point is, it feels like the time we’ve known and spent with each other could be a lifetime in itself. Sometimes I think about the time when we were together and I am almost surprised that it’s my past. It feels like it happened in a past-life, or in a vivid dream, or in a story I read in a book somewhere.

Everything has changed now. But some things never change.

And therein lies the problem.

Putting aside the question of whether we might still love each other, we certainly care about each other. And when a man cares about a woman, or vice versa, things are no longer cut and dry.
Which begs the question, can men and women truly just be friends? In fact, a better question is, can exes truly just be friends?
(more…)

1. Sex and the City. [↩]
2. Friends. [↩]
3. Alias. [↩]

In the last seven days, MFL and I have been spending a surprising amount of time together: dim sum, bowling, sushi, movie, arcade, the list goes on.

We have been extremely comfortable with each other, altogether too comfortable, and I am terrified. I feel like I am driving on the highway, speeding past signs warning me that the highway will end soon, and still I cannot stop, I cannot even slow down. And inevitably, I will just drive right into a cement wall at 100 miles an hour.
And I will die, because that’s what happens when you drive into a cement wall at 100 miles per hour.

One day, he texted me asking if I wanted to get some sushi after work. I ended up forcing LDB, one of his friends, to come with us because I didn’t want to have dinner alone with MFL. All night, I acted as if LDB and I were super close now. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe to make him think I had a life that didn’t involve him? Maybe to make him think that he wasn’t the only boy I was close with? I honestly don’t know.
But of course I wasn’t that tight with LDB, despite staying at his apartment the night of my birthday celebration and talking till 3am in the morning. Nothing compared to the history between MFL and I.

Not two days later, MFL asked me to go see a movie with him. After making him jump through some hoops, I finally agreed. That night, we somehow found ourselves in a bookstore, and I made him read “Where The Wild Things Are” to me. One time when we were dating, we had gone into a bookstore and I had picked out a children’s book and made him read it to me. He was extremely reluctant, but eventually he gave in to my demands. Then, for a Valentine’s Day gift, he bought the book and replaced the character’s names with ours (it was love story between two dogs) and added a poem onto one of the pages. It was a really thoughtful gift. Anyway, making him read “Where The Wild Things Are” to me was extremely reminiscent of that memory.

When he dropped me off that night, I turned around and said, “I’m glad you’re back.” I had meant to say “I missed you” but I didn’t have enough courage. I could see something on his face, a sort of curiousity, but I didn’t explain and left it at that.

I have been debating back and forth between telling him how I feel and ending this tormenting friendship. I have never been so indecisive in my life, and to such extremes! What I can’t decide on is whether I do, in fact, still love him. A few months ago, I read this on Michelle’s blog and saved it. It’s a good summary of my internal turmoil.

…do we ever fully move on? Is there a little piece of our heart that is left behind after the rest of it has been put back together again?

A billboard on a highway…
A song on the radio…
The hint of cologne on a crowded elevator…

…brings you back. Even if only for a second, you can feel it. Your heart isn’t completely whole.

We are fragile. Just breakable girls and boys.

Is it just the feeling of being whole when I’m with him? Am I meant to feel that way? Does everyone feel that way about their first love? Am I breakable or am I broken?