Girl and City

Last Friday, the other assistant at my office quit.
She’d been thinking about it for two weeks, but she didn’t have the guts to tell LawyerMan until Wednesday night. She had actually found another job, at a much less hectic (and more professional) law office, and she was to start on Monday.

No matter what things I said about her – screwing up so many times, having the most ridiculous short-term memory of anyone I’ve ever met, not being able to multi-task if her life depended on it – she was a thousand times better than the assistant that replaced her. At least she cared about her job, she wanted to learn as much as she could and would work overtime almost every day (and come in on weekends) to catch up on work that she wasn’t able to get done. At least she recognized her shortcomings and tried. She tried so hard.

The new assistant who replaced her, whom I shall call ABB, is the opposite. She does not care about this job at all. She is chatting on the phone, as I speak, with a client, bad-mouthing other clients¹. This is what she does. She just chats all day, with her friends, with clients, with whoever she can drag into a conversation. Including me, when I’m not on the phone².
She is ridiculous. She doesn’t know how to do anything, she has loads of work to do on the cases that she took over from the previous assistant, and she spends all day chatting. When she’s not chatting, she tries to get up in my business, bossing me around despite not knowing anything. I am now carrying the weight of this office, and yet she treats me as if I’m her assistant.
God, I hate her.

When you talk like a bitch, walk like a bitch, and smell like a bitch, you know you’re a bitch.

She is a bitch.

1. Which is completely unprofessional and downright unethical. [↩]
2. And I have loads of work to do, let me tell you. [↩]

Summary of my week:

• Writing 25 post-it notes in one day, and only resolving 5 of them.
• Being sent on multiple errands to the post office.
• Using said errands as an opportunity to buy candy/chocolate/snacks¹, which I then stashed into my bottom left drawer, officially dubbed Candy Drawer.
• Giving myself sugar highs to get through the workday, along with pumping myself full of caffeine and Advil.
• Spending a total of 18 hours commuting to and from work. Which resulted in losing my magazine virginity to² Cosmopolitan. Now I know how to Pleasure Him in 15 Sexy Ways, and Get Hit On in Under 2 Seconds!
• Feeling professional/useful by editing and sending out several statements of claims. Signed, sealed, and delivered baby.
• Meeting friends after-work for dinner, accompanied by wine of course.

Why do you thank God it’s Friday?

1. The convenient store near the post office has an assortment of Asian candies, surprisingly, so my Candy Drawer now contains lichee candy, mango mochi, and an assortment of chocolate. [↩]
2. I think I am the only 20-something shopaholic who has never purchased or subscribed to a beauty/lifestyle magazine. [↩]

Working at a law firm can be unexpectedly depressing. Because, you really only need a lawyer when something’s wrong.
All day long, I receive calls from clients who want to divorce someone, or remove someone from their will, or sue someone, and with each call, I lose a little faith in the human race.

On my way to work this morning, I heard a homeless plan singing “What a Wonderful Life” in a coarse, slightly off-tune voice, and it’s been stuck in my head all day.

“So… my fiancee called off the engagement a week before the wedding. Do I have to return the ring? He threatened to sue me if I don’t return the ring. Can he do that?”
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

“I defaulted on my loans now the bank wants to seize my assets. Can I just move away?”
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

“My wife is in the process of applying for citizenship. If I divorce her, will that affect her application? Also, will she have any rights over my assets if she is not a citizen/permanent resident?”
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you.

“I would like to remove my wife and youngest son from my will. Can you draft the changes?”
I hear babies cry, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Today was my first actual day of work at LawyerMan’s office.

It was insane.

This is a one-lawyer office with two assistants, not including me. When I arrived at 8:50 this morning, the older assistant sat me in her comfy swivel chair, told me I would be using her computer, and logged me in. She shares the office with a younger assistant, but she has a much bigger desk and faces a huge window.
This was pretty sweet, or so I thought.

After I logged in and familiarized myself with their email system, the older assistant went to help the younger assistant. They spent all morning closing some deal, so I had to field all her calls and emails.
She gets a lot of fucking calls, let me tell you.

And not only did I not receive any orientation, other than being logged into her Outlook, I had to handle all these Chinese clients, because it’s a bilingual office.
Now, my Chinese is passable in conversational settings, but I don’t know any law or even professional jargon. And most of these clients were either old, or anal, or both. By my fourth phone call, I had been verbally harassed twice. There were these two particular clients who kept calling and just screaming and cursing into the phone. In Chinese! If it wasn’t so absolutely terrifying, it would have been pretty hysterical.
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