Dear HappyBoy,

I regret to inform you that I must end our ‘secret relationship.’ After careful consideration, I just don’t think I’m getting anything out of this and, well, what’s the point of putting my dignity on the line if I’m not getting anything out of it?

First, it is not even a ‘secret relationship’ because half our high school graduating class already thinks you’re cheating on your girlfriend with me, and now the Internet knows about it too. Soon, you’ll be hearing about this on The Colbert Report (I mean if he can do TWO shows on Rain¹, he can definitely do a show on our drama).

Second, I’m just not the kind of girl who can play second fiddle. Even if I was okay with this whole cheating thing – like if we were back in ancient China when the emperor had twenty concubines – I wouldn’t be happy even if I was your favourite concubine. What can I say, I was born to be Queen.

Third, you’re three years too late. If you had dumped your then-girlfriend to get with me, instead of stringing me along for three years, I could have actually liked you. Because back then, I had not been jaded by all the douchebags I’d be meeting in the next three years. Instead, you acted like there was nothing there, as if it was all in my head, making me feel crazy – and worse, guilty, for liking someone who was in a relationship who didn’t even like me back. You could never take responsibility for your emotions because you have always been the baby brother and you never had to grow a set of balls. And now, guess what? You are ready for your vagina. Congratulations.

So while I never properly thanked you for letting me crash for the weekend, I did let you spoon me two out of three nights. Call it even?

I’m sure we’ll see each other around, but until then, goodbye.

Not Yours,
SassyGirl

P.S. Your girlfriend looks sweet. But I don’t envy her. You are the biggest baby I’ve ever known.
P.P.S. I’d cherish her if I were you. And I’d learn to be more of a man, for her sake.

Of course I’m not going to actually send this letter, but I will be having a stern talk with him soon enough.

It’s a shame though, he was such a good kisser.

1. The Korean singer/actor who Stephen Colbert made fun of – see here.