Dinner last night with The Sisterhood was awkward, which is a first because us three girls usually have endless things to talk about. I hadn’t seen FF in nearly two months but neither of us really made an effort to call each other or anything. I think we both had to acknowledge that if it weren’t for ALS, she and I would not be in a sisterhood at all.

Even when I did relate my stories to them, their reactions were… strange. When I told them someone stopped me on the street to randomly take a picture of my outfit for a fashion blog, they thought it was weird and creepy, instead of congratulating me on what-must-have-been awesome fashion sense. When I told them my ibanker story, their reactions were almost disapproving.
“You are such a gold digger!” They joked. But something in their voices told me they weren’t really joking.
But they, of all people, know how not-interested I am in ibankers (or anyone of the Big Swinging Dick¹ variety)! They, of all people, should know how down-to-earth I am!

Though we were sitting in a cozy little corner of a cozy little Italian place, I have never felt more distant from them in my life. It was like FF and I were alternating turns talking to ALS, but not to each other. How did this happen when just two months ago, the three of us couldn’t go a week without meeting for a five-hour marathon of girl talk and dessert?

I’m afraid to think that maybe it’s me. That I have gotten caught up in the 20-something lifestyle straight out of a chick-lit, where I am spending money I don’t have on shopping sprees I can’t afford, where I wear heels to work even though it would be much more economical to wear flats, where I take two-hour lunch breaks to drink wine and window-shop, where I chain-smoke with girlfriends on patios with after-work drink specials when I’m not even a smoker, where I go on dates with older men who I don’t even know and aren’t taking it seriously, …the list goes on.

It’s like in Devil Wears Prada when Andy starts getting really caught up in the haute fashion scene and her friends don’t seem to “get her” anymore.

Even though I know that it’s all in good fun, that it’s just a phase, I also know that it’s not me. This glamorous laissez-faire lifestyle is not me. When it’s over, I’ll return to being a goodie-two-shoes who doesn’t understand the words “disposable income” or “sprees,” and is only slightly more dramatic than the other goodie-two-shoes. So I’m a little snooty and materialistic right now, but I’m developing good taste and classy manners, something I’d never learn from my working-class parents. Is it so bad for me to enjoy the glamour while it lasts?
(Not that it will last very long, because I am now living paycheck to paycheck – yes, sensible, penny-pinching me is living paycheck to paycheck. Although, doesn’t every 20-year-old need an experience like this?)

Speaking of which, I am spending this weekend in The City, which means a three-night sleepover at HB‘s place². We’ve already planned a brunch at a gorgeous little French place that I’ve been dying to try, a wine show, a fashion/art show, and a whirlwind of art and music events as part of a festival going on in The City right now. Who wants to be sensible when you can be fabulous?

I probably won’t have time to blog this weekend but you can follow me on Twitter if you don’t want to wait until next week to hear about it.

1. Reference to Liar’s Poker.
2. I am still avoiding my parents and HB lives right downtown. Plus, he bakes for me! I mean, how could I say no?

“I don’t know if I really want to pursue this though,” I said, “I mean, he still has a girlfriend. And, I don’t know what’s going to happen after this. What should I do now?”
“Talk to him!” They both shouted, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Tell him exactly what you’ve just told us!”
Before we left, FF turned to me and said, “I am actually really happy for you, that you’ve finally realized who your soulmate is. I’m so excited for you two!”

But I couldn’t talk to him. Even though I texted him right away asking when we could hang out, I was reluctant to meet him. The next few days, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I should say to him. By now, we were texting back and forth almost every day. And although that might be a sign that he missed me, I couldn’t forget the fact that he had said he was happy in his current relationship. On Friday night, I ended up going to a horrendously boring party, and I got a little more intoxicated than planned (I blame the boringness). We went to a club after, but I couldn’t concentrate on dancing. Let’s be blunt: I was drunk and a little horny. But I could do nothing to release my sexual energy because I was not interested in any of the guys in my party. So, I texted MFL: “I want to see you!”¹
Luckily, he was not free to meet with me that night. I am certain that if he did, I would have confessed something that I may or may not be ready to confess. He was going to be away for the weekend.

Over the weekend, I went to a marketplace with ALS and FF and updated them on the MFL situation over brunch. The marketplace was a great place to be on a weekend morning, as it was filled with colourful vendors and specialty stores.





I had remembered PJ mentioning to me that there was a specialty tea shop on the second floor, so we went and found it. I bought a bag of “English Caramel” tea, which smelled so good.

On Monday morning, MFL texted me bright and early to ask me if I had time to hang out with him that day. I was surprised. Did he want to see me that much? Or was it because I had booty-texted him on Friday night and he thought I had something to say to him? It didn’t seem likely that he was that intuitive; guys are usually pretty slow. And since we had no real reason to meet up, it would be obvious that we’re both going out of our way to see each other. Later that day, I called him, and after an hour-long conversation, we decided to meet for coffee downtown.
We talked for no less than three hours at the coffee bar, about everything from our own problems to our friends’ problems. There was no tension, we were just two good friends catching up. But shouldn’t there have been? I mean, we had gone out of our way to see each other; the last time we’d seen each other he had ended up staying over at my place, and we’ve been texting each other daily ever since! He couldn’t be so slow as to not notice the flurry of activity between us, considering we used to see each other once a semester.
Even against the mounting evidence, I was doubtful that he might still be in love with me. The fact that he had taken the initiative to see me shows he’s still into me on some level, I’ll concede that much. But the night he’d stayed over, he had actually said at one point, “You should go out with AHB².” I mean, if he was considering getting back together with me, he would never say that!

Tuesday was St. Patrick’s Day, the official drinking holiday that my university takes very seriously. I have never understood, or celebrated, this day, so to me it was just another day. After class, I went to BI‘s house to help her bake for a bakesale³. ALS and FF forced me to meet up with them after because they’d heard that I had gone out with MFL and wanted a debrief.
On my way over to ALS‘s, MFL texted me to tell me he was drunk from certain St. Patrick’s Day festivities. He said he wanted to meet up with me. This was clearly a booty-text. I wasn’t sure how to respond so I ignored it. On the one hand, he might tell me how he actually feels when he’s drunk, and based on the fact that he booty-texted me alone led me to believe the confession would be in my favour. On the other hand, I felt like I would be taking advantage of his intoxicated state somehow, to artificially accelerate this process between us. Sure, our relationship had now reached the height of ambiguity and obviously, this left me with a lot of anxiety. But maybe that’s part of paying our dues. Maybe my anxiety is cosmic payment for me getting in the way of his current relationship.

Either way, I ignored his text and spent the next few hours chatting with my girlfriends. It was relaxing. I had brought the special tea I’d bought at the marketplace, as well as some extra cookies, and FF had brought our favourite wines. Near the end of the night, I finally texted MFL back, but he never responded. Suddenly, I pictured an alarming scenario in my head. Since I ignored the booty-text, what if he had found someone else upon which to release his sexual energy? And of course, there could only be one other person: his girlfriend. It bothered me so much that when I got home, I couldn’t sleep for an hour, and I kept my cellphone within arm’s reach the whole time.

The next day, I called him to see how he was doing, and he told me that he had gone home and turned off his cellphone. I didn’t buy it. Even if he had gone home, why would he turn off his cellphone? It seemed more likely he went to his girlfriend’s and turned off his cellphone. But either way, I had no right to be miffed. If he was with his girlfriend, that’s none of my business. Plus, I had consciously decided to ignore his text.

By now, I’ve realized that I don’t really want to tell him just yet. Even if I do believe we are meant to be together, the timing is just not right. And once I blurt it out, there’s no going back. If it’s not a mutual feeling, we would not be able to continue being friends. And if it is a mutual feeling, he’d have to act on it (i.e. break up with his girlfriend) and we’d be together for good. There isn’t really room for doubt here. I mean, if we got back together, and I realized I was wrong, I would be a huge bitch to break up with him. And again, we would not be able to continue our friendship after that.
So I am going to bide my time. After all, I’ve already said I’m not one of those girls that need a guy. I can wait.

1. I have now dubbed this the “booty-text”: a booty-call via text messaging.
2. AHB is his best friend from high school, whom we still see occasionally when we’re all back in The City. I last mentioned him in my entry about Boston.
3. PJ: We used your cookie recipe and MAN OH MAN are they delicious. The cookies that that recipe makes are magical. Thank you!!!